I knew when our relationship began that there was a hold on my heart that would never be released. But I put that past relationship to the side because I knew it would never be and loved you with all my heart. Life has a funny way of letting things like that bite you in the ass when you least expect it.

I still love you. You are the father of my children, not to mention a hero who risks his life every day to save others. I am proud to be your wife. If only your public persona carried on when you are at home.

How slobby can one person be?? You leave crap lying around everywhere, and you never clean it up yourself unless I nag and start a big argument. Then I have to listen to you whine. When did grown men start whining??

And what is so hard about using a toothbrush? If you must insist on putting that nasty copenhagen in your mouth, at least brush your teeth more than once a month! You complain because I never want to kiss you. You’re right, I don’t. Who would??

I realize that over the years I have gained a few pounds. I have a bit of a gut. I gave birth to more children than any sane woman would, a little weight gain is to be expected. You, however, are a freaking hog! You have gained 100 pounds in 2 years, yet you don’t see a problem?? You eat more at a meal than most men eat all day. Your co workers have whole conversations about the amount of food you put away at one sitting. Watching you eat is enough to make me want to vomit. And your body…the awful dental hygiene aside, I don’t want that on me at all, ever. I would really rather just do without sex for the rest of my life! I have a large chest, but yours is larger and saggier. Your huge stomach is just nasty and I would really prefer if you would just never appear near me with out a shirt.

I have seen shotgun wounds to heads, bodies torn apart in mva’s…nothing was quite as stomach turning as you in your boxers trying to cop a feel and get me in bed.

Now I know that this doesn’t sound like a letter that would be written by a loving wife. But I do love you. But lately it is more like the love for a dear old friend. There certainly is no physical attraction on my part. Hasn’t been for a long time.

Recently I ran across that man who has had a hold on my heart for so long. And no, I am not having an affair. I talk to him, every chance I get. I have seen him, in public places where there was no chance of physical contact.

He hasn’t gained 100 pounds. In fact, his body is still as finely sculpted and muscular as it was the day I broke his heart. And he still loves me. Every night while I lay in the bed listening to you snort and snore and scratch your ass all night, I think about him. I dream about him while I am sleeping. And before to long, if things don’t change, I will be with him and you will be left here to get so fat that you will not be able to get out the door.

This shouldn’t surprise you. How many times have I begged you to work out with me, or at least watch how much you eat? How many times have I told you your breath strongly resembles a three day old body in July and handed you your toothbrush? You just don’t care. I am not important enough to you for you to expend the energy for me.

This man has a clean mouth, no fat, and I am important to him. He would never ever spend half my freaking check when he knew I worked extra hours to buy christmas presents for the kids. He wouldn’t blow his check and leave me to pay the bills. He has a nice house, not this dump that you refuse to do any work to. His yard isn’t trashed with assorted junk that he will not clean up.
Come to think of it, why am I waiting around to give you another chance? I should packing to get in his arms as fast as I can.

Love,
the woman who is tired of it all

picture courtesy of “A big Fat Slob”

Related posts:

1. Dear husband,
2. My dear husband,
3. to my old friend
4. Why would you ruin something so good?
5. Dear Molly,