I only wish I had the answer. A reason why you do what you do. I think it would be easier if you had been a horrible father when we were younger. But you weren’t. You were a good dad to us, I remember walking to the ice cream store, hiking in the mountains, and even all the times you took us to the store and gave us all money to get whatever we wanted- taking us off to the side and giving us each a few extra dollars, ‘in secret’ so we would feel special. You were not perfect, but you tried. You were even a good dad to my little brother, who isn’t even yours.

But something went wrong over the years, maybe I screwed up too much, moving back and forth between everyone. Lying to you and causing trouble. Maybe you got tired with dealing with me. I would understand that, if you stopped talking to me because I am a screw-up… it would be a stupid reason not to talk to your daughter or grandchildren, but it would be a reason. I messed up, I was ‘the bad kid’ that made a whole lot of mistakes, we all know that.

But what did they do to you? My sister has been the golden child, learning from all the mistakes I made I guess. She never caused any trouble, never lied to you, never even asked for anything. Why should she be punished for my mistakes? I would love more than anything for you to just call HER, even if you never talked to me again, maybe I don’t deserve your love, but she does and it KILLS me to see you be such an ass to her, it hurts her more than you will ever know. And she did NOTHING to deserve that.

I don’t even know if you are alive, I just wait for a call or a letter from someone telling me you are gone, if anyone even will. I have even called the police down where I knew you were living before to ask how they find relatives of people when they die, to find out if I could attach my name and number to your name, in case anything happened. How sick is that??

Then you show up at my wedding, after not talking to any of us for over a year, I emailed and emailed in the months leading up, begging you to come, hearing back only once that you would come. I didn’t let myself believe you, not even when I talked to you the day before and you said you were on the road. I wanted to, but you had met me down so many times before that I couldn’t let you ruin my day. At our rehearsal that night we practiced both ways, having my father in law walk me down the aisle just in case you didn’t show up… that was so embarrassing, seeing the look on everyone’s face, all of them hoping to god you just showed up for me.

The next day when you called and said you were in town, I was so exited, but I still didn’t get my hopes up, it was not until you walked up to me and said hi that I believed you. You acted like it was nothing special, and I was too exited to see you to ask for a explanation. We spent the day together, and you walked me down the aisle, leaving the next morning with promises to call and visit… you called once to ask me to email you a file off the old laptop you gave me as one of the wedding gifts. I have not heard from you since.

You promised you would call my sister, you never did. I hated telling her you came, it felt wrong, unfair. Why did you come see me when I was the bad one? The one who screwed up so much in the past that you don’t even love. Why didn’t you call her? She wouldn’t ask for anything, no explanations, she would just say hi and talk to you about her day.

I feel so bad for my mother though, for all those years I so readily forgave you, I so easily let the mistakes go, even when one of my first memories of you was you leaving us with a garbage bag full of crap, me standing at the screen door in the rain screaming to come with you. I would forgive you for anything. Yet I held grudges with mom for so long, it was unfair of me and stupid, she may have made mistakes but even through all of it she still calls me, she still cares. Why was I so quick to forgive the man who left me as a screaming child while I couldn’t forgive the one that tried her best to calm me down? How messed up is that that I am so screwed up by you that I did that?

I am who I am now because of you, and while I would like to say that is a good thing it isn’t. I have so many complexes I can’t even count them. I can’t talk to the rest of my family because I feel they all hate me… is it true? I doubt it, it is just another one of my many issues. I get around my aunts and uncles and I feel like a tiny little person, like I am being judged when it is more likely that you and I are the only ones judging me. One thing I think I know though is that they love me, it is not their fault I am uncomfortable around everyone, it is mine for letting your lack of love affect me and my self esteem so bad. I only wish I knew how to change it and have a family again.

Whatever, I could go on and on about how you are a failure right now. But all I can say is that if I ever talk to you again I will want a explanation. The time of it being ok for you just to call and ‘be my dad’ with no questions asked is over. I will not let you back into my life without a reason. So don’t even call until you are ready to tell me why you have been gone. You have done too much to me and my family to just let you show up and disappear again.

Your Daughter

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