I went to your grave for the first time this summer. I put my graduation picture on it. I had planned on keeping my shit together until I saw “loving father” written on it. Loving father? How were you ever even my father if you died when I was two? I wanted to beat the headstone into tiny pieces with my fists when i read that. I could have set the whole damn cemetery on fire. Loving fathers do not abandon their daughters or their wives.
Loving fathers do not hang themselves from basement rafters in the middle of the afternoon. I wonder if you’re in heaven. Do you know I’m writing this right now? Did you see the beautiful parts of my life? Â Graduating from high school, or falling in love or turning eighteen? How about when my life spiraled out of control. Did you see that? Did you see me do all those drugs or blow off college or sleep with all those nice guys from the bar?
Sometimes, when I do these horrible things I get satisfaction thinking you can see me. And the ugly person that I can be. And then sometimes, I’ll find a picture of you when I’m cleaning, or someone will start talking about you, or I’ll see a man holding a small baby. And this immense sadness comes over me. It hurts my stomach because I missed out. I never got to have a dad. I was never protected and loved in that way. I am so jealous that I’ll never know how it feels. To have my father give me away at my wedding. Or hold me. Or tell me that he loves me.
You know, even if you had lived and been a shitty father at least you would have cared enough about me to actually remain on the fucking planet. You broke my mothers heart and a part of me hopes you are burning in hell for that. I feel worse for her than I do for me. She knew you and she loved you and you left her. I didn’t have to go through the pain of knowing your kindness and love and then losing it. I wish I did though. I wish I had got to meet you, even if it were just once so I would know what your voice sounded like. Most of all, I wish I had been given the chance to show you what a good daughter I could have been. Maybe with you around I could have been better. Maybe not. I guess we’ll never know right.
Love from,
Everything you missed out on.
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9 Responses to “Dear Dad…”
Posted: Nov 24th, 2009 at 12:11 am
I’m am so sorry.
Posted: Nov 24th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
I am so sorry too. ((hug))
Posted: Nov 24th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I have a friend that experienced a similiar childhood. It breaks my heart that I can’t take away some of her pain…even a small portion. I’m sorry for the pain and saddness you and your mother had to endure. It isn’t fair to those left behind…but honestly I think when someone is hurting so badly that ending their life seems to be the only way out….they are in such a low sad place they aren’t able to think of the loved ones they will leave behind. I’ve heard some call them selfish….but I don’t agree. We all have our dark, sad times….some are able to hold on and suffer through…some can not. No one knows what choices they would take until they are there themselves. If you find yourself there I hope you hold on. Find someone you trust a friend, counselor and talk to them, share your thoughts….it helped me through some difficult times.
Posted: Nov 25th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
RT @letters2breathe: Dear Dad… | to a lost father http://bit.ly/7JnDNq
Posted: Nov 25th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
This is so beautiful it was almost hard to read. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Posted: Nov 26th, 2009 at 4:09 am
I feel badly for you and your loss of your father at such a young age I have never had a suicidal thought and therefor cannot imagine what caused him to commit that act. I commend you for taking the time to write this. I am a father to two small children and I can tell you that your writing here has only reinforced my belief that being a loving and caring father to my kids is my most important job in life at this point. I thank you for that, even though I am certain it is of little solace to you.
Posted: Nov 26th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
What a painfully raw letter. I am so sorry.
Posted: Dec 10th, 2009 at 4:03 am
[...] are all over the spectrum, sad, loving, happy, one of my favorites so far was a letter written to a father that had committed suicide years ago, that one was hard to read, but beautiful. One of the posts I [...]
Posted: Jan 2nd, 2010 at 9:05 pm
My mom commited suicide when I was 18. It still remains so hard to blame her even though she committed a most selfish act. I just can’t imagine the pain she must have been in that caused her to decide that life wasn’t worth it anymore. That her three children weren’t worth the ups and downs of living.
I know she harbored great guilt for what my dad did- she wrote about it in her final letter to my sister. I hate him with all my heart for what he did to us and even more so, if not for him she would very likely still be here. Here to see the grandaughter who will turn four in a few days and shares her name.
Anyway, this letter made me want to cry and hug this woman because I feel her pain on a very real level. I am so sorry for your loss and for what your dad took away from you.