I will never understand why you decide to take people away, or why some of those people are so young. Recently you took away a friends two year old little boy, Bryson, he fell into a pool, why didn’t you stop it, why didn’t you use your power to alert his mommy to the problem? Why have you chosen to take him, leaving behind so many people that loved him? And leaving a mother and a big brother that will almost certainly feel guilty for something that could have happened to anyone? 
How unfair. You have taken from me as well, you took my baby girl Ashley Nicole when she was just two months old. The doctors called it SIDS, I call it crap, there was no reason for it, I was a GOOD mother, I loved her so much, yet you took her from me with no warning, while you leave children with mothers and family that abuse them, that don’t deserve the gift of a child. Why me? Why Shellie?
I used to have no doubt you existed, but ever since the loss of my baby girl I have lost that faith, more than anything I hope you don’t exist, I know I may go to hell for saying that, but you know- if you are really there and you decide to send me to hell for feeling the way I do, or decide to send anyone that kills themselves because they just can’t find the strength to go on anymore, if you really do just send people to hell for that, then I don’t want to be in your heaven. I can’t imagine a god that would send people to hell for being conflicted, if you are all powerful then you know what is in my heart, you know I try so very hard to believe in you, to trust you, to have faith, but I see things happen like the loss of Bryson, and all the other children and families suffering so much loss that I just can’t get to a point where I feel you are really there.
If you are not really there than all of the loss in the world, all of the pain and hardships, the abuse and neglect, everything just happens, no ‘reason’ no excuses. After my daughter died people would say things to try to make me feel better, but they didn’t. Things like “I know how you feel, I had a miscarriage last year”- no one could ever KNOW how I feel, not even if they had their child for exactly the same amount of time that I did, not if they had the same situation… Just like I could NEVER begin to think that I know how anyone feels when they loose someone. People meant well but it was just too much, I was too angry… at you. Then people would try to make excuses for you and why it happened, the most hurtful one was from a person I barely knew, all she knew was that my husband and I did not get along at all and I wanted to leave, she decided to say that you took Ashley because it would be hard for me to leave him with two children. Really? How is that appropriate? But you allow people to say these things.
All the cruelty in the world directed at people who just need support is so sad. The fact that you allow people that act like this to go on without a bit of guilt for emotionally abusing a grieving mother. For saying things to that mother that already has a shit load of unnecessary guilt that outright accuse her of letting it happen, or saying it happened because she was neglectful. As a mother to a very precious 15 moth old girl, I KNOW it is all to easy to loose track of them in a matter of minutes. Experts and doctors say you need to let your child have freedom, don’t hover over them all day to smother them and hinder their emotional growth. So we try to let them play, we thing everything is safe but even the best child proofing job has it’s flaws. There is always the possibility of something happening no matter how careful you are. But then we do just that, let them play in what we assume is a completely save environment, god forbid something terrible happens and then everyone chastises the parents for not being more careful.
I just don’t understand your reasoning, if there is any, and I doubt I ever will. It is a sick world out there right now, full of corruption and murder, and hate. I don’t want to believe in a god that will allow these things to continue to happen. A god that will punish people for things we will never know, and a god that lets the bad people reap the rewards while the people that try so hard to live life the right way have to sit back and watch the drug dealing crack headed neighbors come home with a new car or boat every week, while you struggle to work your two jobs and barely get by. Why you decided to have our car break down on the way to our anniversary dinner, costing $700 to repair, when we can least afford it. Why you took my baby, Shellie’s baby, and so many other sons and daughters.
Writers Note:
For more information about Bryson you can read this post about what happened, or this post with a update and a list of several other posts from Shellie’s friends. There is also a series of wordless Wednesday pictures dedicated to Bryson Ross, the mom blogging community gathered together and each took a picture lighting a candle in his memory. It is a beautiful project and I am sad to say I missed out on it because my camera was not at home that day. Thanks to all that have been supporting Shellie at this time, and to those that have been against her, karma is a bitch, you will have to answer to this one day, maybe to God, maybe just to some random accident you have that will surely show you what you have done. It is sickening to see people acting this way- especially mothers.
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14 Responses to “Dear God, why do you do this?”
Dec 17th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Very nicely put!
You know what I feel like this ALL the time. As a matter of fact is it things like what happened to you and to Shellie that make me question God all of the time. “Godly” people always try to tell you that God has a plan and that there is always a reason for what happens but I think it’s all BS! I think more than anything those “Godly” people are just confused themselves, they have been made to believe something that none of us know for sure and then they use that belief to persecute people who question God and the Bible…it just doesn’t make sense to me.
If me questioning how God could let something like what happened to your precious baby and to Bryson happen makes me a bad person or means that I’m going to Hell then so be it I’ll be sitting right there beside you thinking what a crock of crap it is!
Dec 17th, 2009 at 8:43 am
No, I don’t “agree” with what you’ve said.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand. And that doesn’t make you “wrong” … what you feel is never “wrong” – it’s just what you feel, and you can’t help that… especially when it comes to deep emotions, such as these.
*hugs*
We all deal with things differently… and I think everyone has had times in their lives when they were confused, doubtful, and even angry with God.
As you said, God does know your heart. He is loving, forgiving, and compassionate. You are human, and you have emotions – and He knows that because He made you.
God does not control people. Free will sucks a good bit of the time, but people act out of their own evils – without God’s guidance… without His approval… without His acceptance… without His Spirit.
Some of the things He allows, we will never understand. We don’t know what God may have been protecting Bryson from – or your daughter. Perhaps something far worse down the road? We can never know. Sometimes death is not nearly as bad as life, especially when God calls you home as I believe is always the case with a child. I’m so very sorry for all the pain you’ve gone through and you have every right to be confused, heartbroken, and angry. Keep asking God your questions. You don’t have to excuse yourself. He’s your Father and if you can’t ask Him questions, you will never get to truly know Him. If you don’t seek for Him to reveal Himself to you, your faith will never be whole.
*hugs*
If you ever need to talk, kjr{at}senilemomentia{dot}com
Dec 17th, 2009 at 8:49 am
eve, i would be a fool to comment here because your grief and her grief I hope i never feel. I am here here for you.
trisha
Dec 17th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Eve, I am so sorry for your loss of you beautiful girl. I cannot begin to know your pain. I do agree with what Kat has to say above and we can’t begin to understand the reasons why. I take comfort in believing Ashley and Bryson are happy and carefree in heaven and that they will be reunited with their mommies again there for eternity. I can’t understand your pain, but God can and will comfort you if you go to Him. I am not an expert, or even good at this, I get angry a lot too, but I do have faith in Him and the knowledge that He loves you SO much! Please know if you ever want to talk more just let me know. HUGS to you sweetheart.
Dec 17th, 2009 at 10:23 am
I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))
Dec 17th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Eve, I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of your baby girl. It’s a feeling I would never wish on my worst enemy.
I want you to know that I do know how you feel. I’ve been there, some days I still am there.
Nine years ago my baby boy was taken from me before he even had the chance to take a single breath. In the moments of waiting for the bad news I knew was coming from my doctor, I prayed so hard for him to be okay. But it wasn’t, he was gone and my prayers went unanswered.
For months I was angry, bitter, I hated God for allowing my son to die…I lost my faith in every way imaginable.
It so hard to let go of that anger I felt for something/someone that truly had no control over my son’s life. It wasn’t until the moment I let go of the blame that I found peace. There are days I still struggle, most every day. I just hold onto hope that some day my questions will be answered and I can hold my son, see his first smile and give him the love that he missed out on.
((HUGS))
Dec 17th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I can completely understand being angry – and like you said, everyone needs to feel and grieve in their own way.
Dec 17th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I clicked in from the Candles for Bryson project, and my heart aches for you. I don’t know you, I’ve never even been to your blog before, and yet I wish that I could offer a hug, something to ease your pain.
You ask some very difficult questions in this post, and if you’ll forgive my intrusion into your space, I’d like to offer the things that I believe as answers to these difficult questions for you to consider.
Let me first explain what my faith calls “agency.” I believe that agency – our freedom to choose – is a precious, God-given gift. A gift that He will not infringe upon, even when we cause ourselves or others pain. He will hold us responsible for our actions, good or bad, but He will not prevent us from making our own choices.
You are right. It’s a sick world, full of corruption, murder, and hate. But these things are not God’s fault, anymore than it’s my Mother’s fault that I did poorly in the driver’s ed class that I took in high school: that was my choice, not hers. It would be terribly unfair, except for the kindness of Jesus Christ, in not only suffering for our sins, but also in succoring us in our need. We learn in Matthew that rain falls on the just and the unjust – that is, good and bad things happen to everyone.
Sometimes we make choices that bring on the hard times. Sometimes, other people make the bad choices. Sometimes it’s just the mortal condition, the way it is in this life, that does it. It sounds to me like both your own loss, and the loss of Bryson’s mother, are both things in that last category: unfortunate things that happen to undeserving people. It is my firm belief that the Lord can turn even this sort of event into something that makes us stronger, better people, more like Him, and that He will wipe away tears from all our eyes if we will just let Him.
May I recommend this article, about the sources and purposes of trials and adversity in our lives?
I am praying for you this afternoon, and I sincerely hope that, at the very least, I have not increased your pain. May you find peace and healing in this very difficult circumstance. I know that the Lord is aware of you, and that He loves you, though I also understand how hard that is to believe sometimes.
Dec 17th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
First, hugs from me as well, I am sorry for your loss.
I just want to say- as a girl who truly knows her Savior, Jesus Christ, who is God…he doesn’t take joy in your pain. He grieves, he knows how you feel, the bible says he’s
“been there, felt that”. As a bible believer I do know there are answers to your some of your questions. God does not send people to hell. We are all on our way there because we are born under the curse of sin. Sin is something that a holy God cannot look upon. That is why he sent his Son, Jesus who is God in the flesh, to live a perfect live and then die as our substitute. Thereby paying our sin debt.
Things happen in life for many reasons, many of which we will not know or understand. But that doesn’t mean that God wanted it to or that he caused it. I hope you will not give up on God, he wants to have a personal relationship with you. And your daughter and Shellie’s son are in heaven now because they were too young to make a decision about trusting Christ for themselves. But you must decide for yourself whether you will trust Christ or not. I hope you will.
I would be happy to talk with you if you have questions. My sister also lost an infant about 2001.
Dec 18th, 2009 at 6:12 am
My sweet sister,
There is good news!!! There is One who knows your pain.
“Surely He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.”
Your Savior is crying with you at this very moment. He will never leave you, even when you feel abandoned. That is when He is closest. He loves you completely. He aches with you and feels your loneliness and pain.
If you have even the tiniest of hope that this is true, hold on to that belief. I promise you He is real. He does love you. He does know your pain. He is reaching out to you and wants to heal you. He will never abandon you and will ever stand by you no matter what. Believe in Him and you will feel loved.
Prayers are going up in your behalf.
Dec 18th, 2009 at 7:41 am
I am so sorry for everyone who has lost someone and for those who are confused. I too lost a son at age 15 to a drowning accident and I was angry for a while. too. I went to my Bible and read all the passages I could find about loss and grieving, and found a verse I had never read before. It said the devil comes to kill, steal, and distroy but He comes to give us life. We forget that not only is there a God but a devil loose on the earth. He will take out everyone he can. The nearer the end comes the more evil the world will become. I am not supposed to understand that, It is what faith is for. To believe in Him to handle it no matter what comes. After much bitterness, and anger, I turned my rage to who it belonged to. The devil! I asked God for peace in my heart beyond all understand and he did. It has been 30 years this year and never a day goes by that I don’t hurt but that peace lets me know where he is and he is not in this evil world and if I keep the faith I will some day be with him. You say you don’t care if you go to hell. Hell is not where your children are. Think about if you had to be parted from them again. The Bible is plain that there is only one way to go to heaven and be united with our loved one and that is through Jesus Christ who died for us. Jesus willing gave his life for us to have free will in accepting him, It also says we know as we are known, that makes me know that he will still be my son and we will know and love each other again, I will be praying for all of you, not that you can understand why, but that you will have the faith to accept Him and let him comfort you and wrap you in peace. This is my way of coping for many years but I have hope, To you it probably sounds like I am accepting blindly but I have been living with this a long, long time. Make sure you do not blame yourselves for you are not to blame at all. Blame the devil because he is the one who kills and destroys., God sweeps down and tells him “that child is mine, loose him” and he has to obey., Its hard to say but “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
Dec 22nd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I wish I knew the answers – all I can offer is a giant hug, shoulder for tears, a heart that loves and an ear to listen.
XOXO
Dec 23rd, 2009 at 12:29 am
I feel for you, I have thought so hard about these things in life and have come to only one answer. That it is impossible, for a God, to exist, as explained in the bible.
I could have understood some things, but seeing the bad people in life reap and the good people struggle, generally, this is the case, that is a retarded twist to the bible and gods word. So I do not believe. I do not believe in a fake god. Even if he existed, I would never love, appreciate or want to know a God like that.
Life is cruel, people put hope into god to sort things out, not realizing he isn’t even there, he is nothingness, so you put your hope into nothingness and what do you get out? Nothingness.
The only way the world will become a better place is when people realize the truth.
There is no God.
Jan 1st, 2010 at 4:09 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and everyone else that needs a prayer or a shoulder to cry on. There is a God and I KNOW he is there for you. HUGS.