Dear boys,
I drink too much. I know it. Everybody knows it. I’ve never said it out loud, because if I say it out loud then that would mean I’d have to change. I don’t want to change. Everybody’s seen girls like me at the bar. Party girls. The ones you feel sorry for and kind of hate but at the same time you envy them because they have no inhibitions and they always look like they’re having a great time. But I get too drunk, too fast. I black out each and every single time. I am loud and fun and people love me when I’m drinking.

I make friends with everyone. With the bouncers, the bar tenders, the guys. I need men to like me. Can you understand that? I need the attention. Being drunk is the only time that I ever feel beautiful. It’s the only time my brain ever shuts off and I stop criticizing myself. Even if it’s only pretend, for five hours I get to feel funny and sexy and special. Aren’t we all trying to feel like that? So maybe it’s worth it.

It’s kind of funny that I spend so much time partying and degrading myself trying to create the feeling of being loved by someone else that, I can’t have functioning relationships because I hate myself. Everybody loves a party girl, nobody wants to date one.

I am telling you these things because next weekend or the weekend after or whenever you go to the club, I want you to look for me. I’m probably wearing stilletos, tight skinny jeans or a skirt. I have lipstick on and I’m on the dance floor and I’m laughing and flirting and I’m ridiculously drunk. Look for me. How do I seem? I look unconditionally happy right? I look sexy. Please be nice to me. Please be kind, and help me find my phone when I lose it. Please don’t try to take me home, and don’t buy me a drink, even if I ask you to.
Please just.. don’t let me fall down.

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1. Alone together
2. Why would you ruin something so good?
3. Dear Rachel,
4. Gravity