To A Friend | Letters to Breathe

oh wait, you already did that to me. After 13 years of friendship and you just drop me. I wanted to – no I deserved to – be the one to drop you! I need to let you go, the friendship is over, isn’t that what matters?

NO!

I need closure. For some weird reason I want to tell you everything that has been sitting inside me all these years. I want to tell you how hurt it made me every time you would ignore me for months and then all of a sudden act like nothing was wrong. Why did I love you so much? Was it because deep inside I wanted a friend so badly that I was willing to put up with you?

I want to tell you this to your face!

But you have unfriended me on facebook, won’t return my calls or emails. What gives you the right to drop me? Why did you get the pleasure of dragging me along on a 13 year friendship and then you say when to rip the chord?

I feel so used, so cheated. I don’t even get the pleasure of telling you off.

Perhaps that is wise. I should have let you go when you graduated high school. It is hard to do that when we live in the same small town the entire 13 years though. My friends know you and running into you is so possible.

You were my maid of honor!
I was at your son’s birth!
I was there for you when your baby’s daddy cheated on you!
I helped you with your business by introducing you to my friends.

And the entire time you kept acting like you were there for me too. But you started to show your true colors. You started to answer less and less phone calls.

I just want to know what you think I did wrong – cause you are insane! I have been nothing but a good friend to you! I am not writing this letter because I want you back as a friend – you suck at that job – but I want closure. I want vindication. I want to say goodbye. I don’t want you to be the one to drop me because I don’t deserve that!

But at least I got it all out and I can move on.

Signed,
Too Good a Friend For You.

On 02-01-2010 19 comments

Dear single friends,
We all go to the same bars and dance to the same songs and drink the same drinks. I listen to your troubles finding love sympathetically and offer advice when it is solicited. I sit left out while you chat each other up and flirt, feeling isolated and unincluded. Sometimes it feels like nobody wants to talk to me once they find out I’m not a potential mate and don’t want THAT kind of contact or attention, or maybe they don’t want people getting the wrong idea that they are after me instead of just listening to a friend.

After all, I am “a good catch.” I bet you didn’t know that even though I am beautiful, intelligent, successful and have someone, that I am just as lonely as you are. Maybe more so, because I have been trapped in a romance-free marriage for a long time now. Just because it looks like I am successful and happy doesn’t mean it’s true. I am not happy and very confused. I don’t think anyone cares. My partner does not listen when I try to talk about it. Won’t someone notice when I reach out for help? It is really hard for me to open up about things.

I like to solve my own problems and don’t like being a burden on anyone. It is hard to figure out your troubles when you have no one to REALLY talk to though. It is so much easier to just plod along and pretend. After all, it looks like I’m doing fine… Maybe it is my own fault. Oh, I know it is. I am only human though. I’m just tired of being a friend to others, while not having anyone be a real friend to me. My troubles are real too. All I really want is someone to spend time w/ me and really listen. To feel connected to something human again. I feel ashamed and isolated; a failure.

On 01-23-2010 3 comments

To S, the End of a Friendship

I am sorry that I let myself be pushed away. I was afraid the others would see how much I care for you, and that if you still felt the way you once said, nothing could keep us from expressing it at that moment, and feelings would be hurt. There are so many reasons why that would be wrong, though there are also a few reasons why it wouldn’t be. I am not sure I’ll ever have the courage to explore that, and I doubt you will either, but I know I will never forget you. I hope we will always be a part of each others’ lives, in some way. I am glad we became friends, even if it is complicated.

On 01-05-2010 leave a comment

You have an ego the size of Texas. I can’t believe you think you’ll walk out on my friendship again and again. Then be welcomed back. You are ridiculous. Now when I say I hate you which I obviously don’t mean. You think it implies I like you. Wrong. I’m sorry but no. You broke my heart by ripping away your friendship.

Please. I cry and shake and have nightmares. I am so eager to see you honestly. I want to be friends and I want to hurt you because you honestly have no, no idea in the world how I was hurt. As for my first kiss. It was honestly terrible. For being the slut man whore skank you are, you were still a terrible kisser. You are rude. Ignorant. Hurtful. Shallow. Sexist. Sexual. Disgusting. And amazing.

You are a smooth talking flirt who lies to get girls. I heard you cheated on her. I love how everyone knows it is true. An how that could have been me. Also the fact you said you would be there for me no matter what. No matter what happened between us. The fact that I did not want a relationship with you when we first decided was ok. Then when you caught another boy, were my best friend you walked away because you acted like I was just using you.

What could you offer?? That he couldn’t?! Love I had his. A relationship I didn’t want? My tears? A broken heart? Congrats. Gee thanks. Really. And movies lie. That the girl is string after being walked over and heart broken. I feel bad all the time. And I can’t get over it. It’s fanfuckingtastic. I hate-love-dismiss-want-cant-stand you.

I’m sorry I kissed you and didn’t follow through on a relationship. My bad. But it was forced on me and I didn’t say no. I’m also sorry you lied. Lied about having sex. You lied again and again and when you told the truth you call me beautiful. And call me alyssa. Thats not my name michael. It is not my name. Gee thanks. ~Molly

On 12-08-2009 leave a comment

No, I will not be calling you back, although I am really curious of what you may want this time. For someone I barely know you sure do seem to run to me for help when you have burned your other bridges. The first time we met you asked me for a cigarette, then a few weeks later you call because you broke down and needed a ride… Of course I stopped what I was doing to come get you. Only for you not to call again until a few months later when you and your loser boyfriend got kicked out of the third and final friends house… I should have noticed the trend and broke it off before you bled me dry.

But no, I helped you, then you disappeared until you needed something else, getting a call from you every few months for something full of drama. Now you went off and somehow got pregnant AGAIN by this jobless cheating wonder of yours, this time you must want something big this time, because you keep calling just to say hi… Bullshit, your just calling to ’say hello’ my ass! Read the rest of this entry »

On 11-29-2009 leave a comment

I just want to let you know that you saved me. I have been on the brink about fifteen times. Ready to end it to give up. But you were there, you never left you were always there to help me be happy again. You never judged me for being crazy. You just laugh with me when my mood changes again. You told me to be strong and that I can do it. You believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. You always brightened my day. On the dark days I remember the times you made the sun shine. When I get scared I think of the days that you were there to protect me. When I thought I couldn’t make it I thought of the times that you told me “you are strong” “you can do it”. Thanks I know that me saying thanks is no good way to pay you back for putting up with my stuff in the last few months. BUT THANKS.. I LOVE YOU BOTH.

On 11-23-2009 2 comments