To A Loved One | Letters to Breathe

I don’t know if I want to be with you. Your breath really smells and it’s so disgusting. I want to kiss you but it smells like a dragon. And why do you not shave? It’s so nasty! You need to pluck your eyebrows and shave the whiskers that you keep missing! Take your time for god’s sake. I will teach you if you want. And stop calling me hot. Call me beautiful or gorgeous or pretty. It feels so much more meaningful.

I try to accept your flaws and like you for who you are. But these simple little fixable things just bug me to no end! I am starting to have second thoughts about dating you. I am starting to regret ever saying yes. I want so much for this to work. And I feel horrible because I know you like me ALOT. But I also am trying to remember that I cannot stay in a relationship if only for the other person. I have to do what’s right for me.

I will hang in there for a while longer. I promise. We are still a fairly new couple and I have to give you a chance. Ya know?

And something has been going on that I haven’t told you. This girl on our bus who sits behind us goes on and on SO LOUDLY about how much of an ugly couple we are. It makes me want to cry. You don’t hear it and your lucky. But I hear it and it burns. It hurts so bad. I am thinking about punching her in the face. But then I realize how much trouble I will get in.. But then again it will feel so good.

The last thing I haven’t told you is that I flirt with other guys. I flirt with these guys because you don’t give me the attention and affection that I desperately need. I crave it. And you are not fulfilling that craving. Like COME ON! Hold my hand dammit! Put your arms around me. Don’t just walk there like some prude idiot! Seriously. If you don’t start giving me what I want, I am going to have to dump you. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, toots!

Love,
Your Transformers Girl

On 01-17-2010 leave a comment

The fact that you stood up for my rapist cousin in court against me, broke my heart so badly that I questioned whether I wanted to live in such a world. The lies you made other girls he violated tell in court, and your lashing out at me on the stand was almost worse than being raped itself.

Atop the building, ready to ‘fly the final flight,’ I decided I might as well stick around and see what happens and I’m glad of this. However, I still feel bitter when I realize that I have never been able to love normally since then. I was only 13. Your misogynistic love of him over me and the other cousins he raped sickens me.

At least I have more normal relationships than you do and am slowly learning not to be afraid to care, even if it might be too little too late. I seem to be able to care about ideas but I fail to trust people I should trust, to the point that it is somewhat socially crippling. I hope you are crippled by guilt, but somehow I doubt it.

I am glad that some of my family understands, and my chosen family accepts me as the quirky person I am because of my many experiences, one being this. You never loved me. I am no longer so consumed with rage but I will never forgive you, even though you are such base creatures you have no idea it was wrong.

I hope you rot in the hell you believe in, even though I don’t believe in anything but randomness and personal will. May flights of devils bring you to your rest – all of you that sat on his side of the courtroom and all who tell me I’m overreacting if I refuse to come or storm off when you invite them over for family gatherings.

On 01-06-2010 leave a comment

I wish I still felt the way I used to about things. I slip away from everything because it is all I know. I see too much of the truth for my own good; a life that is random, transient churlish and short populated by people trapped in break loops is what I see. I wish I still believed in fairy tales, and ideals and purity. It is not love I have to give. Indifference and understanding is all I have to offer in the end. If I had control of my heart’s desires, and could kneel and pledge allegiance like I should, I’d be the master of my destiny and choose the logical answer. That which does not kill us makes us strangers. I am the guide for lost souls, forever lost myself.

On 12-30-2009 leave a comment

Dear husband,

One Liners. Sometimes they’re all you need…

Babe, I am not in love with you.

Dylan, I wish I could tell you that I secretly love you.

Your love will be the death of me.

I will never regret loving you, no matter what happens.

Dear Julia, I miss you more than you will ever know, I just hope I can make it another year with you fighting without me… come home soon.

On 12-09-2009 2 comments

I understand you are 70 plus years old. I understand that you’ve seen a lot in your years. I even understand that you have very strong opinions, and that you are quite unwilling to change them.

But what I don’t understand is how after 20 years of being a huge influence in your family, you can walk away from them. You stop coming to the great-grandkid’s birthday parties, you stop coming to holiday dinners. You basically cut yourself off from everyone.

And why? Because you don’t agree with someone’s lifestyle. One person out of 15, and you just cut us all out?

Just because that one person isn’t going to get married and have kids like you always imagined. Because they fell in love with someone who you don’t approve of?

She is happy. She is being true to herself. Instead of trying to please everyone else, she’s doing what’s right for herself. I hate to tell you, but even though you call her “sinful,” she’s doing better than the rest of us.

She’s been through graduate school, she’s not the one struggling to make ends meet, working god-awful hours at a miserable job. She’s not the one who’s battled depression on and off for years. She was the “perfect one” growing up, not the one cutting herself, throwing up after meals, sneaking out at night.

But your little definition of perfection has been shattered now. And you just can’t accept that.

I think you may be the one who needs to grow up.
Your Granddaughter

On 12-05-2009 leave a comment

You said that I was your only reason for being “alive.” I have loved you with my whole heart since the moment I met you. Your mysteriousness, your charm, it all attracted you to me. I fell in love with your family. I love you, I love Alice, I even love Rosalie’s harshness.

Then you left me. I have been dead since that moment. I have no reason to live, you took my heart and my life when you moved away, never talking to me. I’m not dead the way you are, but worse. I can’t do anything- I don’t eat, I don’t see any of my friends. Charlie is worried that I may kill myself. My dreams are filled with you, they tear through me in the middle of the night, ripping through me in screams of agony and tearing me up like a hidden beast lying within.

It eats at me just waiting to kill me. I enjoy the pain. It reminds me that you really did exist. It keeps me alive to feel that raw, burning love deep inside me. I miss you Edward- I miss you’re cold sparkly skin, your sweet smell and your protection that I never knew I needed. I need you Edward. I need you to protect me from myself. I love you, and I will always love you. I can’t leave Forks. I can’t ever leave for fear that you will come back and I will miss you. Come back to me Edward.
Love always,
Bella

On 12-02-2009 2 comments