Letters to Breathe » To a Loved One

Thank you, Luke

admin — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:35:19 +0000

Oh, Luke. It may sound like a lie, but ever since the very first time I saw you, I knew you were special. You can ask my sister; I even told her “that kid is so sweet. He’s gonna be a looker when he grows up”.
And so you grew up. And so did I. Well, sort of. We were still very young. I secretly had a crush on you but didn’t dare tell you. I knew you liked her, and what chance did I have with you?
However, I fought for you month after month. And after almost a year, I got you. It was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
Then you moved so far away… My friends think I’m crazy for still being with you, but the fact is, our love is so strong that it keeps us together, even when we are so far apart. I know there is something special about you, and I won’t give up on us. Only a few more months until your mission, and I can’t wait. Even more, I can’t wait for you to come back so we can be together again. I know that when you come back, our Heavenly Father will guide us, we’ll figure it out, and be married in the temple.
Thanks baby for loving me so much and making me the happiest girl ever. Thanks for being loyal to me. Thank you for being so righteous and a great example. Thank you for listening to my troubles and easing my mind. Thanks mi amor for being there for me always.
I love you.
I know we’ll make it.

To Alex, who I can’t forget

admin — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 11:59:16 +0000

I can’t stop thinking about you Alex. I just want to know that we’re ok, you know? That you’re ok. Not so emo, found true love, not drinking so much. Whatever. Not that it matters. Not that we’ll ever meet again except by accident. I left things in such an abrupt, raw way. Never spoke to you again, you, to whom I always wanted to say so much. But I still remember the last things you said to me. And the way you kissed me. I don’t even know if you remember, you were so drunk, but I don’t seem to be able to forget. And I was gone the next morning before any of you woke up. I’m not going to throw away everything. Not again, you know? For what. I’m going to have a great life. And you were always so hard to read. But it’s true what I said, I was in love with you. Even if I did fuck him more – you wouldn’t let me as often. But so what? Apparently, I have more than one love. Lucky me, right? It’s just that the edge is still raw, and i thought it’d have healed or gone away or something by now. Closure is such a corny word. Anyway. I’m going to send this now. Hope you know who this is. You better. May lightning strike you if there’s another girl who could have written this. And don’t you dare give anyone the smallest sign I ever sent this. Ok? Ok.

All the best. Don’t fuck it up.

It’s Time

admin — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:19:52 +0000

Babe,
Its really time for you to leave. I know that you keep telling me that its close. But I believe that he will drag it out and make it as hard as possible for you. And the longer you wait to pull the trigger, the longer it will take to put this all behind us. You know, i have told you many times, that each day it is harder to stay your friend. But what you dont know is there is a clock in my heart that has started counting down, and i cant stop it. I only hope for you to be free before that clock runs out. So please feel what I feel, know what i know, and believe that it’s time to leave.

Trust me “Im always right”

Gravity

admin — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 16:09:17 +0000

I sit in my car everyday wondering why I keep looking over to see if you’re there. I keep telling myself that it’s plain curiosity and all I want is friendship. Afterall, it’s all I can ever ask for. I think it began that first time I saw you, sitting there reading your newspaper. Of course, I was five months pregnant so why would I even fathom you looking at me in any way possible. As I sat next to you, I gave you one shy look and felt my heart beat. I’m convinced that at the time, I didn’t think anything of it. But now, nearly a year later, I don’t know what’s happened. I can’t help but be in the same places as you. You know, I time my work schedule around yours, in hopes to bump into you. And how could I not see you when your desk is at the entrance? I simply do not know what has gotten into me. You fascinate me in the ways I will never understand. At times, I wonder if you looking at me is simply out of friendliness or is it that you, too, feel the gravity. Because if not, why is it that you park your car next to mine every single day when there are so many parking spots available? Why do you begin a conversation when I’m about to get up and leave? Why do I feel you looking at me from across the room when you’re filing? Why do you always follow after me when I leave for the day, and always have something to talk about? Why is it that every time you look me in the eye, it’s like you’re looking into my soul and in return, you open yourself up so that I may get a glimpse of yours as well. Because, if this is not my imagination and you do feel the gravity pulling you to me, as i feel it for you, where does that leave us? It doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been married for almost ten years and I for six. It doesn’t change the fact that you have two beautiful boys and I have two beautiful girls. It doesn’t change the fact that our lives are so set apart, how can this gravity be? I can’t find the words to describe how I ache for a new day to come so that I may see you. I wish I could reach out my hand and carress your face. We are two rights in these wrong lives. How can it be…this gravity is overwhelming. I know you will never approach the subject, I’ve learned from our conversations that you are not the seeker. I know that, while the gravity exists, nothing will come of it. I know that, you will probably never know how I feel for you, as much as I will never know if you feel the same for me. Yet, it is tonight, that I will confess to you, that without knowing you, I think I’ve fallen for you. And in some imaginary dream, we are together, if just for one night. You are my tall, dark and handsome.

Why would you ruin something so good?

admin — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 19:27:24 +0000

Brian,
I’m writing this with the intention that you wont see it…ever. I love you more than words can even express. my heart literally aches when i think of not being with you. I thought we were doing good. of course we have our problems, every relationship does. but you just dont seem to be honest with me. You made me believe that you were happy with me. That you were content with me working on my ways of doing things. but then, suddenly my world crashed around me.

I realized you were texting the same number more than mine. And when i looked at your phone, it was an unsaved number with a ;-* signature. one of the messages asking when you two were gonna hang out…and you didn’t say no. you just said you weren’t sure because you are extremely busy. When i asked you about the number from the bill, you said it was albert from high school. of course i didn’t believe it since i had seen the messages. Taking Krystal’s advice, i *67′d the number. The voice mail was a chick named crystal…

What hurt the most was when i confronted you about it and asked you to promise not to lie to me..you did. You lied to me the entire time. I dont know how i’m going to be able to trust you completely anymore. I can say that I do believe you when you say that you told her it wouldn’t go past friendship…but at the same time i dont. you say that you dont know much about her but you have been talking to her for a month more than you talk to me…how is that possible? what do u talk about? I haven’t seen any picture messages sent between you two so i am extremely relieved about that.

I just dont understand. What did i do wrong? Did i love you too much? I’ll try to give you space and let you do your own thing. I hope that when you say you are going to delete your myspace and not talk to her again, you mean it. I can’t believe it until it happens tho. You have to understand that I am going to me a lot more paranoid now. I’m going to check the numbers your messaging and im going to be upset if i see more than a few more messages to her. It shouldn’t take much to tell someone that doesn’t mean much to you that you’re not going to talk to them anymore because you value your relationship with me.

I hope you see how much i’m sacrificing for you and going through for you. Especially when you say that if it were flipped and it was me doing the messaging to a guy behind your back and lying about it, you would have broken up with me immediately. I love you and I want things to work out. I dont want to hold you back from being young and partying and enjoying life. If you want to hit and quit it again with other girls, ok. I just can’t stick around for it. I Love You. I hope you love me just as much.

Love Always,
Leah Love Bucket

To My Little Brother (who’s not so little anymore)

admin — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 21:00:47 +0000

You don’t have any respect for anyone. I helped raised you and have given you unconditional love. I have defended you, consulted you,worried about you, comforted you, protected you and helped you in many ways. I have opened up my home to you for a place to stay. Yet, you choose to be ignorant,selfish and ungrateful. I love you. I have loved you since you were born. I know our family isn’t great and let’s face it we are never going to be normal but I try so hard as an adult now to be a good example for you, a mother figure to you and someone who always has your back and is on your side. That is why it hurts so much when you are disrespectful and hurtful to me.

I called you to see how things in your life were going and instead of you appreciating that and asking me how I am doing you bite my head off. I know things aren’t easy. Growing up never is. I want to impart the wisdom I have from being in very similar shoes to you so things will be easier on you but your arrogance and false pride are making it very hard for me to want to even try.

I know you are young and in being so you want to call the shots and be your own person. You must learn that there are many things you haven’t encountered yet and if I have. I wish you would have the wisdom to let me tell you all the bad things that I have been through and learn from my experience.

I have been here for you through all the family problems and your health issues. When mom decided to stick her head in the sand I was the one talking to doctors and missing sleep and work to be there for you. How do you re-pay me? By acting like an ungrateful brat. I have worked so hard in my life to get to where I am and you don’t respect me for that. That hurts. You don’t even have a concept of what I have been through and I hope you never fully do. I am always here giving encouragement and kind words and now I am wondering why I even try.

If you continue to have a “chip on your shoulder” and act disrespectfully I have no choice but to leave you alone until you are mature enough to treat me with respect and consideration. I still love you and always will but I will not be treated the way you treat our mother and father taken for granted and mocked. I wish you the best in life but I am sad to say I think you may need to learn the hard way. I think you may need to struggle and realize that the world doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of us so we need our family. People that care about you with pure intentions are NOT a dime a dozen. I think the school of hard knocks still needs to teach you a thing or two because for now I am done trying. Be well. I love you.

Dear John

admin — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 18:01:02 +0000

I know you don’t understand why I have cut off contact. I suspect you believe what you did was simply sexual curiosity.

I know different. I’d like to help you but I cannot handle the language you use. I don’t want to hear your anger. My anger needs some room to breathe. Yours should be on the back burner for awhile.

I’ve never had the chance to talk about this and you have let me suffer in silence. I wish you had more courage, John. I wish you were a good brother. I wish you didn’t hate me so much when you were twelve and I was five.

What you did was a crime. It was not sexual curiosity. It changed me. It left me in fear of boys and men. It left me without trust for those close to me. Sexual curiosity is masturbation or looking at movies. Not raping your little sister.

Whatever happened to make you do that, I want to know. I think I have that right. Did someone touch you? Did someone rape you? Why can’t you talk about it with me? The secrets drive me insane. I worry too much. I worry you are still abusing naive, innocent, young girls. I tried to tell people but they all are convinced you are okay.

I know different.

I wish you were brave. I wish you were smart. I wish you were protective. But you aren’t. You are weak. You are dopey. And if you want people to protect you, you have to show them you will protect them.

I protected you for almost thirty years. I’m done. You are on your own, grown man.

I wish so much. I wish I wish I wish.

Dear S,

admin — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 01:21:08 +0000

It was more than a pleasure to meet you. Mom has been telling me stories about you and M for over a year now, and I did not know what to think. You always seemed to be getting into some sort of misadventure that I could barely believe happened. However, Mom always spoke so highly of you, calling you and M her adopted sons, so I knew I had to meet you.

I spent one week out west visiting Mom, and even after we had seen all the sights I had planned, I still wasn’t satisfied with my trip. Mom asked me what else I wanted to do and I said, “I have to meet M and S.” Unfortunately, you were both busy working and I thought I’d never meet you. But, on Sunday morning M phoned to say you guys may drop down, but we ended up at your place instead.

Now imagine my surprise when we walk in the door and I see you – tall, gorgeous and shirtless. But, my shyness kicked in right away and all I could manage was a smile and wave. But, after a few drinks and some chatting, I was perfectly at ease. When it came time to leave I told Mom I didn’t want to, and you and M said I was more than welcome to stay.

We spent a lovely night chatting, having a few drinks, watching movies and “rocking out” as you put it. I was attracted to you – I still am. But at the time, I was in a relationship (that is ending) and I could never cheat on someone. You were so kind, such a gentleman – treating me the opposite of every other woman you’ve been with. You listened to me, respected me and made me laugh.

Now I’m 4000km away and I miss you more than words can explain. Even though nothing happened between us, I truly feel there is a connection. I mean, if I could feel it that night, I’m sure you could too. At one point I turned to look at you and it was all I could do not to kiss you.

I don’t know what to do. We chat occasionally, but how can I tell you how I feel? We spent less than 24 hours together.

I wish I could get to know you better, S. I hope you think of me and wonder what things could have been like if we lived closer together. I admire you – I don’t care that you spell things wrong and don’t have a fancy education. You work hard, you obviously love and care for your family, and you are kind. You are the type of man I want to be with, and any woman would be more than lucky to have you.

Hope to hear from you someday soon.

-M

Dear family members that forgot my kid’s birthday

admin — Thu, 27 May 2010 14:50:28 +0000

Yeah, I’m talking to you, sisters of mine. Also you, BFF who is the godmother of my only child. Remember her? Your niece who turned 7 yesterday? The one NONE OF YOU COULD BE BOTHERED TO CALL and wish a happy birthday to? I mean, I don’t expect any of you to have your act together enough to actually send her a card in time for her birthday or anything, but really, you can’t pick up the phone and make a 30 second phone call? She calls EACH AND EVERY ONE of her cousins – your kids – and YOU as well *on* your birthdays and sings Happy Birthday to you all. Especially since I spoke to each of you the DAY BEFORE her birthday and one of the things we chatted about was how it was her birthday and the crazy menu she picked out for her birthday dinner. Even if you *had* forgotten, that should’ve served as adequate reminder.

I suppose there’s no point in taking my siblings-in-law to task, since they never have ever remembered to send birthday greetings to their only niece in the entire time she’s been alive. I’m so glad you enjoy the calls she makes to you for your birthdays, adults in your thirties, and that you can’t be bothered to ever think of reciprocating for the child’s birthday.

Oh, and bonus freaking points to the grandmother who called my kid up drunk and then forgot who you were calling, thereby making for a really awkward conversation with your only grandchild. Nothing says “special happy birthday” like getting a call from drunken grandma.

Thanks for making my kid sad on her birthday. I really, really appreciate it, you thoughtless, selfish, lazy bunch of inconsiderate and pitiful excuses for family.

The most beautiful flowers blossom over wastelands

admin — Tue, 25 May 2010 15:27:28 +0000

Dear angel eyes,

It is amazing and strange how we ended up together. I am very happy. I have fears that I will be taken for granted again, but I am glad that we can be honest with each other about everything and accept each others faults. It is nice to be with someone not phony. I hope that we learn what we need to from each other but I’ve learned not to count on things lasting. I simply hope. I hope that you learn to see yourself the way that I see you as well and treat yourself right, as well as me. I hope you would really walk through fire for me though I’d never ask that. Also, the sex is the best ever in my life.

Love,

your skittish love