To An Ex | Letters to Breathe

I’m young, but…

I know I can’t feel the same way about anyone else for a long time. For a year, maybe two. I dread looking and seeing that you have a new girl, because I was yours, and you were mine. We loved each other, to the highest extent. Four years of an amazing relationship to prove that, you made me so happy just by talking to me, and I was the most special girl in the room when we were together.

But then, after two weeks of not seeing you cause you were on vacation, you come over and tell me you think we need to break up. I was stunned, shocked, and so, so hurt. My heart instantly broke, and I can’t understand how one day you love someone, and the next you just don’t. You told me the reason I just met your whole extended family, and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary was a way of you trying to ‘fix’ things in your head. But I guess you don’t feel anything for me now, or for the last month. The whole last month of ‘i love you’s’ have been lies, the kisses meant nothing, but you were still making me happy and making me smile.

I know I sound selfish, but I still love you. I think I always will. How can I just forget about my best friend? You were with me through my parent’s divorce, my troubles in school, my sadness, my anger…you were the only one I could share that with. We grew up together and learned what it meant to be in love with someone. We talked about forever.

And what kills me the most is that fact that I go to sleep in tears, and wake up three hours later the same way…and it seems like it’s not affecting you at all.

I’m holding on, and I’ll wait for you. I can’t give up and forget us.

On 08-12-2010 leave a comment

Dear Drama Cow

No man has time for more than one woman’s bullshit. It is not you anymore. Go find someone else to be on your side and listen to all of your venting about which loser you fucked last night in your drunken stupor. We are going to make a quiet peaceful life together, and have children. You don’t even know what love is, only obsession. When you start being respectful and stop acting like the world revolves around you, we will be cordial to you but never close.

On 08-11-2010 leave a comment

Dear Joe

Just over two years ago you came into my life and swept me off my feet. That night in park when we were lying in the grass together, you told me I was beautiful and then you kissed me…that was a magical moment. It took my breath away. I wanted nothing more than you, for the rest of our lives.

But I blew it. I know that. I hurt you in the worst way possible. But please, you have to know that I am so sorry. I know sorry probably isn’t going to cut it and that my actions will have to speak for me, but I have changed. My love for you never faded. Not once. Over the last two years, I’ve thought about you often, wondering what could have been.

There have been so many things I wanted to say to you. I wanted to make it better. I wanted to fix the parts of you that I broke. But, in turn, I wanted you to make it better for me, to fix the parts of me that you broke. It always comes back to you. When things suck, you magically reappear. You have no idea how happy that makes me. It heals me just a little bit more each time you’re there, even though you aren’t there in person.

I absolutely believe in fate and karma and soulmates. I don’t know that you do and that’s okay. Not everyone does. Not everyone can. But for me, believing in those things helps me keep the faith. I know us being together could never work right now. And that’s okay, too. I am willing to wait. To me, you are worth the wait. You always have been. You always will be.

I love you, Joseph.

All my love, my heart, my soul,

Brianna

On 08-09-2010 leave a comment

Gravity

I sit in my car everyday wondering why I keep looking over to see if you’re there. I keep telling myself that it’s plain curiosity and all I want is friendship. Afterall, it’s all I can ever ask for. I think it began that first time I saw you, sitting there reading your newspaper. Of course, I was five months pregnant so why would I even fathom you looking at me in any way possible. As I sat next to you, I gave you one shy look and felt my heart beat. I’m convinced that at the time, I didn’t think anything of it. But now, nearly a year later, I don’t know what’s happened. I can’t help but be in the same places as you. You know, I time my work schedule around yours, in hopes to bump into you. And how could I not see you when your desk is at the entrance? I simply do not know what has gotten into me. You fascinate me in the ways I will never understand. At times, I wonder if you looking at me is simply out of friendliness or is it that you, too, feel the gravity. Because if not, why is it that you park your car next to mine every single day when there are so many parking spots available? Why do you begin a conversation when I’m about to get up and leave? Why do I feel you looking at me from across the room when you’re filing? Why do you always follow after me when I leave for the day, and always have something to talk about? Why is it that every time you look me in the eye, it’s like you’re looking into my soul and in return, you open yourself up so that I may get a glimpse of yours as well. Because, if this is not my imagination and you do feel the gravity pulling you to me, as i feel it for you, where does that leave us? It doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been married for almost ten years and I for six. It doesn’t change the fact that you have two beautiful boys and I have two beautiful girls. It doesn’t change the fact that our lives are so set apart, how can this gravity be? I can’t find the words to describe how I ache for a new day to come so that I may see you. I wish I could reach out my hand and carress your face. We are two rights in these wrong lives. How can it be…this gravity is overwhelming. I know you will never approach the subject, I’ve learned from our conversations that you are not the seeker. I know that, while the gravity exists, nothing will come of it. I know that, you will probably never know how I feel for you, as much as I will never know if you feel the same for me. Yet, it is tonight, that I will confess to you, that without knowing you, I think I’ve fallen for you. And in some imaginary dream, we are together, if just for one night. You are my tall, dark and handsome.

On 08-07-2010 leave a comment

Dear J

I’ve been trying so hard to forget you and I don’t think I can. You affected my life so much back then. It’s been years now and we’ve both moved on but in my heart I was trying to find a replacement for you and no one can replace you. You were bitter and sweet, not the right match for me but something in you ignited me and made me feel so young and alive. We were only 23. I felt on fire with you. I don’t even exactly remember how it all ended. All I know is that I was devastated. I cried everyday after that. It was like a death but you were still alive. No one has ever made me feel like you.

The saddest part to me is that to you I believe I was just another piece of hot ass. A fling for months, a toy. Something to be played with and when bored thrown in the trash. Well, I now know I am better than that. Much better and deserve more but somehow my heart still longs for those days. I can’t explain it.

We haven’t’ talked in years and then the other day we briefly had an encounter online through mutual friends and you acted as though I was a stranger. That hurts the most. Realizing I was just another “notch in your bedpost”. You acted as though you had no idea who I was. Maybe it was to save face. I was the nicest I could have been to you and your family. I babysat your niece. I spent time with your sister and mom and I even brought over juice and baked goods when I came over your mom’s house. Because that is how I was raised to be kind and have manners. It was wasted on your family. I feel so stupid now for being so nice. Your mom called my mom and told her how I “make you a better man.” After all that I don’t know how you can pretend I am a stranger. I guess it’s easier for you than admitting blame.

I guess none of that mattered to you. You never apologized for ripping my heart out. Maybe because you don’t see yourself and how much I truly loved you. You took my love for granted. You told me we’d be together forever and move in together and had the sweetest pussy you’ve ever tasted. As much as it hurts I am certain it was all a game to you and once you got the prize you moved on. It wasn’t a game to me. I truly loved you and I tried so hard to make things work but you were already on to the next. the only things I can thank you for are- your encouragement to get my degree and the lesson I learned about how actions mean everything and words are just empty syllables until you someone shows you how much they care. With you, it was all words and no actions and I fell for it. you and it ripped my life apart.

Now I know better. I am older,wiser and jaded. Thanks to you. I know you will go on and live your life, just as angry as ever. I am hurt and angry too and as much as you complain about how your family done you wrong maybe it’s punishment for treating me like something disposable when I am the best, more pure intentioned person you will ever meet. Too bad your upbringing and life is so poor you can’t see the diamond that is me and for you that is truly sad.

On 07-14-2010 leave a comment

Broken a Million Times Over

So many things I want to say, but how? Why did you do this to me, again? Was I not enough, strong enough? What did I do to deserve this from you?

When I entered this relationship, I brought with it my whole heart, and when you exited this relationship you tore it apart. Now I am left sitting here once again trying to piece my life back together. Building another wall ten times stronger for the next man who will try and enter my world again. When I walked out that door, I walked out of a home that I had built inside me, a place where I felt I belonged no matter what happened in this world. Now I am left feeling like a stranger in a big world I don’t belong in. I thought you were strong enough for me, but it turns out I was stronger then you. I would never do this to someone, no matter how I felt. Looking back there were days or weeks that we felt we weren’t right for each other, but I did not think about finding those missing pieces in someone else, because no matter how many fights there were or hurt I knew that you were it, you just had to get there yourself. When I am with someone and say that I love them I mean it. Obviously you don’t. You say you are sorry and regret everything you have done, that you will be the man I want…..bullshit…..you are still doing it all the same. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I guess I should have listened to that line 8 years ago. I just want to know that I am loved by someone. BUT not you, never again because love doesn’t do that to someone who gave up their whole world for you. Love is kind and giving whole heartedly, not cheating and lying. You should have realized what you had a long time ago, not by cheating on me twice.

I need peace from this, but the thing is I don’t know how to find it. It has been 2 months and 24 days since that day and I want to move on. I need to move on. You already have, but I am finding it hard to throw it all away as fast and easily as you have.

I need to find happiness and I need to find love again, but with someone other then you. Someone who won’t peel me away like dead skin, someone who knows how to love. Someone who CAN love and love JUST me. Someone who can be strong enough for me as I am for them. Someone who wants to commit to a true relationship because it is so very hard to find that in our world today.

So, H thank you for letting me down, just as the man before you has. Thank you for hurting me again and thinking it would all work out. Thank you for showing me again how much men are jerks and take me for granted, because hey its not like I deserve something good for a change. Thank you for showing me your support while I was away, by making sure you fulfilled yourself first. Again, thank you for thinking of my feelings.

Love Always

On 07-12-2010 leave a comment

I’m young, but…

Dear Drama Cow

Dear Joe

Gravity

Dear J

Broken a Million Times Over

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