But then, after two weeks of not seeing you cause you were on vacation, you come over and tell me you think we need to break up. I was stunned, shocked, and so, so hurt. My heart instantly broke, and I can’t understand how one day you love someone, and the next you just don’t. You told me the reason I just met your whole extended family, and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary was a way of you trying to ‘fix’ things in your head. But I guess you don’t feel anything for me now, or for the last month. The whole last month of ‘i love you’s’ have been lies, the kisses meant nothing, but you were still making me happy and making me smile.

I know I sound selfish, but I still love you. I think I always will. How can I just forget about my best friend? You were with me through my parent’s divorce, my troubles in school, my sadness, my anger…you were the only one I could share that with. We grew up together and learned what it meant to be in love with someone. We talked about forever.

And what kills me the most is that fact that I go to sleep in tears, and wake up three hours later the same way…and it seems like it’s not affecting you at all.

I’m holding on, and I’ll wait for you. I can’t give up and forget us.

But I blew it. I know that. I hurt you in the worst way possible. But please, you have to know that I am so sorry. I know sorry probably isn’t going to cut it and that my actions will have to speak for me, but I have changed. My love for you never faded. Not once. Over the last two years, I’ve thought about you often, wondering what could have been.

There have been so many things I wanted to say to you. I wanted to make it better. I wanted to fix the parts of you that I broke. But, in turn, I wanted you to make it better for me, to fix the parts of me that you broke. It always comes back to you. When things suck, you magically reappear. You have no idea how happy that makes me. It heals me just a little bit more each time you’re there, even though you aren’t there in person.

I absolutely believe in fate and karma and soulmates. I don’t know that you do and that’s okay. Not everyone does. Not everyone can. But for me, believing in those things helps me keep the faith. I know us being together could never work right now. And that’s okay, too. I am willing to wait. To me, you are worth the wait. You always have been. You always will be.

I love you, Joseph.

All my love, my heart, my soul,

Brianna

The saddest part to me is that to you I believe I was just another piece of hot ass. A fling for months, a toy. Something to be played with and when bored thrown in the trash. Well, I now know I am better than that. Much better and deserve more but somehow my heart still longs for those days. I can’t explain it.

We haven’t’ talked in years and then the other day we briefly had an encounter online through mutual friends and you acted as though I was a stranger. That hurts the most. Realizing I was just another “notch in your bedpost”. You acted as though you had no idea who I was. Maybe it was to save face. I was the nicest I could have been to you and your family. I babysat your niece. I spent time with your sister and mom and I even brought over juice and baked goods when I came over your mom’s house. Because that is how I was raised to be kind and have manners. It was wasted on your family. I feel so stupid now for being so nice. Your mom called my mom and told her how I “make you a better man.” After all that I don’t know how you can pretend I am a stranger. I guess it’s easier for you than admitting blame.

I guess none of that mattered to you. You never apologized for ripping my heart out. Maybe because you don’t see yourself and how much I truly loved you. You took my love for granted. You told me we’d be together forever and move in together and had the sweetest pussy you’ve ever tasted. As much as it hurts I am certain it was all a game to you and once you got the prize you moved on. It wasn’t a game to me. I truly loved you and I tried so hard to make things work but you were already on to the next. the only things I can thank you for are- your encouragement to get my degree and the lesson I learned about how actions mean everything and words are just empty syllables until you someone shows you how much they care. With you, it was all words and no actions and I fell for it. you and it ripped my life apart.

Now I know better. I am older,wiser and jaded. Thanks to you. I know you will go on and live your life, just as angry as ever. I am hurt and angry too and as much as you complain about how your family done you wrong maybe it’s punishment for treating me like something disposable when I am the best, more pure intentioned person you will ever meet. Too bad your upbringing and life is so poor you can’t see the diamond that is me and for you that is truly sad.

So many things I want to say, but how? Why did you do this to me, again? Was I not enough, strong enough? What did I do to deserve this from you?

When I entered this relationship, I brought with it my whole heart, and when you exited this relationship you tore it apart. Now I am left sitting here once again trying to piece my life back together. Building another wall ten times stronger for the next man who will try and enter my world again. When I walked out that door, I walked out of a home that I had built inside me, a place where I felt I belonged no matter what happened in this world. Now I am left feeling like a stranger in a big world I don’t belong in. I thought you were strong enough for me, but it turns out I was stronger then you. I would never do this to someone, no matter how I felt. Looking back there were days or weeks that we felt we weren’t right for each other, but I did not think about finding those missing pieces in someone else, because no matter how many fights there were or hurt I knew that you were it, you just had to get there yourself. When I am with someone and say that I love them I mean it. Obviously you don’t. You say you are sorry and regret everything you have done, that you will be the man I want…..bullshit…..you are still doing it all the same. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I guess I should have listened to that line 8 years ago. I just want to know that I am loved by someone. BUT not you, never again because love doesn’t do that to someone who gave up their whole world for you. Love is kind and giving whole heartedly, not cheating and lying. You should have realized what you had a long time ago, not by cheating on me twice.

I need peace from this, but the thing is I don’t know how to find it. It has been 2 months and 24 days since that day and I want to move on. I need to move on. You already have, but I am finding it hard to throw it all away as fast and easily as you have.

I need to find happiness and I need to find love again, but with someone other then you. Someone who won’t peel me away like dead skin, someone who knows how to love. Someone who CAN love and love JUST me. Someone who can be strong enough for me as I am for them. Someone who wants to commit to a true relationship because it is so very hard to find that in our world today.

So, H thank you for letting me down, just as the man before you has. Thank you for hurting me again and thinking it would all work out. Thank you for showing me again how much men are jerks and take me for granted, because hey its not like I deserve something good for a change. Thank you for showing me your support while I was away, by making sure you fulfilled yourself first. Again, thank you for thinking of my feelings.

Love Always

N

I couldn’t see you; I was too scared. The minute you texted me, all of the old fear came back. I could barely sleep or eat. I worried all the next morning what I would do depending on your motives for contacting me. I considered what I would say if you asked to try again. At first I wrote that off completely, but then I realized that I was willing to give you another chance. That sounds so stupid after all that happened. I’d given you so many chances; I was there for you even while you were hurting me. At that moment, I realized that I really did love you, that I had experienced true love for the first time in my life. During graduation I got this feeling that even though my parents would go ballistic and our friends would both think we were stupid/insane, I wanted to try again. But this wasn’t what you wanted. You still weren’t ready for me. Although I understand and accept your decision, that is why I said no, because I wanted more.
I can’t say for sure what made me decide that I wanted to be with you again. None of the old memories flooded back. I didn’t think of the times we danced in silence or us laughing in bed or the joy I felt when I got to see you after a long period of separation. All of that is behind us; those were two people who don’t exist anymore. I have accepted this. What got me is that I wanted to get to know who you’ve become. I was ready to meet the new you and get to know you all over again. I know you aren’t perfect; you aren’t the person I built you up to be. But being you, screwed up and all, is enough. I don’t want some perfect guy, I know now he doesn’t exist. I know now that I can’t plan every minute of my life and I can’t prevent catastrophe. Life goes according to God’s plan, not the one I created in my little red planner. I know that you and I together means a lot of compromise and understanding. I know it means both of us battling our demons and healing from years of childhood pain. Maybe we aren’t ready to be with each other again, maybe we never will.
But I wanted the chance; I realized I didn’t want to let you go. I tried to move on and I’ll continue to try. There were some I came close to dating. One in particular I felt was a good match for me, but things didn’t quite work out. I’m now at peace with being alone, but I can’t get you off my mind and out of my dreams. I hate that I see Army bumper stickers everywhere; I hate that this still gets to me. One time I was at a restaurant with friends and on the only television an Army commercial came on. I had to laugh; it seems your memory is following me, haunting me. I just can’t let you go, even though I sometimes want to. I hate that even now there are things I want to tell you, things I want to take a picture of to send to you. I hate that there are thoughts I have and things I find funny that only you could understand.
I suppose I should be happy knowing that I had a great love. I should tell myself that it seemed like fate, us both meeting at a school we didn’t want to go to, on the same hall, our hometowns 20 minutes away. Sometimes being with you was extremely hard (we both caused each other a lot of grief) and other times it was amazing. And that’s life. I will always love you and a part of me will wonder what could have been. I know we needed time apart; I needed it. Yet, I will still wonder how your training/time at school is going. I will still worry about your family and want to be your support. I miss you and I love you. I am thankful that I was able to love someone so fully. I hope that you have a wonderful life and that we both get to experience that kind of love again with or without each other.

Love Always,
A.

You didn’t talk to me and I felt that you lost interest in me and was upset with me for canceling once again, But I was ill that day. Those last few weeks of summer I thought about you nonstop and toward the end it stopped being nonstop, but I still thought about you. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you. I just wonder and think about you and how you’re doing and what you’re up to, If you’re thinking about me. Anyways at the beginning of this school year, I thought I didn’t like you anymore, but I was wrong. I saw you and all my feelings for you came back. I’m glad that you still liked me too. That day I went up to you in key club and said , “hi” and you didn’t seem to care and just left. Well I felt really bad that day until you texted me saying how nice it was to see me. You have some power that can make me extremely sad or extremely happy. I don’t know why. When I asked you in the coffee shop if you still liked me, and you said yes.

It was one of the best feelings I’ve felt. I find it odd that you like me because I never feel like you really like me. I don’t know if that’s just that way you are, but I only feel you like me sometimes. It hurts. The night I asked you to go out with me took so much courage out of me. I was literally sitting there in your car saying to myself to ask you out and it wouldn’t come out. I would tell myself “okay! at this light, do it” and when you said you would like that and yes. I was so happy, but I felt you were not. That’s why I would have to make sure, we were dating because I really felt like I wasn’t dating anyone. I know you’re a busy person and maybe that’s why you’re like this. I constantly have to ask myself everyday If you really do like me and I wish I could stop thinking like this. Just accept. The night we kissed was nothing I’ve never felt for someone, I remember a tingle feeling in my lips, that I never experienced. I loved it when I asked you if you shaved and ran my fingers across your stubble as you ran yours across mine. When we sat on that rock holding hands and i kissed you on the cheek. I reminisce about this night a lot and again I wonder if you do too. Or if you even feel the same way I did about it and how special that night was to me. The next night was JA.

I so badly wanted to hang out with you, but I didn’t want to take you away from your friends. I did get upset that all I said to you was “hi” that night and saw you twice. The day you broke up with me, I knew it was coming. When you didn’t reply to that text asking me to come down. I knew. I wasn’t upset over you breaking up with me because you said it was because you were “just busy” and that you “still really liked me” but what did hurt me, was that night. When I asked you If you really did still like me or if it was just because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings And you never replied. That one hurt. Anyways a week or two later you texted me like everything is normal with a simple “hey” and of course I reply. So maybe you do still like me. I don’t know. It comes down to this. Hopefully when you’re not so busy, You’ll come back to me and don’t think I’ll lose interest in you, I haven’t for the past year, even though I thought i did at one point. I want a relationship with you So bad. Terribly.

I wish I could speed time to when you’re not busy. Even though I want this relationship so bad, I’m skeptical about it. I contemplate if it will be the same like it was and I’m also afraid that you will hurt me, really bad. And I don’t want to feel how I’m feeling but have it be worse. I know you will give me many happy moments and we can have a happy and wonderful relationship. Just please don’t lose interest in me or just tell me that you don’t like me so I can stop keeping this hope.

1-13-10
Lately you’ve been pissing me off by how much of a asshole you are. It hurts when we pass each other in the hall and you won’t even look at me. You kind of make me sick. I really thinking about not keeping any hope towards you because if this is the way you’re treating me now, just think how you’ll hurt me even more. You’re a prick and when you’re bored and decide to talk to me(if you ever do.) I will not forget all the crap that you’ve put me through and I think the reason I now think of you is because I want to tell you how much of a giant prick you are. I honestly think right now, that I want nothing to do with you ever again. This is the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me and one day you’ll realize that I was there and that I waited for you and actually felt something for you. I’m not going to be there when you realize this either, You’re putting me through too much sadness. I can’t take it anymore. Maybe one day you’ll see how I felt for you and then have that person just stab you into your heart. I wish you the best in life, Good luck.

3-18-10
You send more mixed messages than a woman going through PMS. No joke.

5-24-10
You really hurt me Mac, You don’t realize it either, but my wounds are healed and now I can finally say, ” I’m over whatever we had and it is definitely time to move on”
I don’t hate you, but I somewhat dislike you and it’s mostly because of your cowardliness. Dude, you gotta learn how to stop being so awkward and also, I never forced you to hang out with me and it’s really rude to make it obvious that you’re embarrassed to be with them in public. I don’t see us being friends, ever. Honestly, to me you’re kind of a dweeb. and you were never my type. You did teach me what not to do on a date and now I also had a crash course in empathy, which you really need. As the latins say, Aeternum Vale, First Kiss ;P

I was not happy with you but it still hurts to be rejected for someone 10 years younger than us, a child. I feel like a hypocrite since I am in love with my best friend and have been mutually and secretly without even admitting it to ourselves for years. I do not want you back but I miss who you used to be years ago sometimes. I found someone who does not judge me constantly and accepts me for who I am, someone who the chemistry is enough to destroy worlds with. I don’t know what the future holds because I am so jaded and feel like they all take without giving in the end. I am simply going to enjoy this and try not to repeat my mistakes in the past of letting myself be taken for granted.

I hope that you find happiness too. I do want to be friends but please allow me space first because I am angry at your negligence and how you tried to deny me happiness to make me first wife and play the bread to blondie Mc Teenager sandwich.

I have someone who would walk through fire for me, the one who has been there when you weren’t consistently, my angel. I want love not games. I hope my heart is not too damaged for that thanks to your cheap disguise and fucked up lies.

Love, your friend,