To An Ex | Letters to Breathe

Dear J

I’ve been trying so hard to forget you and I don’t think I can. You affected my life so much back then. It’s been years now and we’ve both moved on but in my heart I was trying to find a replacement for you and no one can replace you. You were bitter and sweet, not the right match for me but something in you ignited me and made me feel so young and alive. We were only 23. I felt on fire with you. I don’t even exactly remember how it all ended. All I know is that I was devastated. I cried everyday after that. It was like a death but you were still alive. No one has ever made me feel like you.

The saddest part to me is that to you I believe I was just another piece of hot ass. A fling for months, a toy. Something to be played with and when bored thrown in the trash. Well, I now know I am better than that. Much better and deserve more but somehow my heart still longs for those days. I can’t explain it.

We haven’t’ talked in years and then the other day we briefly had an encounter online through mutual friends and you acted as though I was a stranger. That hurts the most. Realizing I was just another “notch in your bedpost”. You acted as though you had no idea who I was. Maybe it was to save face. I was the nicest I could have been to you and your family. I babysat your niece. I spent time with your sister and mom and I even brought over juice and baked goods when I came over your mom’s house. Because that is how I was raised to be kind and have manners. It was wasted on your family. I feel so stupid now for being so nice. Your mom called my mom and told her how I “make you a better man.” After all that I don’t know how you can pretend I am a stranger. I guess it’s easier for you than admitting blame.

I guess none of that mattered to you. You never apologized for ripping my heart out. Maybe because you don’t see yourself and how much I truly loved you. You took my love for granted. You told me we’d be together forever and move in together and had the sweetest pussy you’ve ever tasted. As much as it hurts I am certain it was all a game to you and once you got the prize you moved on. It wasn’t a game to me. I truly loved you and I tried so hard to make things work but you were already on to the next. the only things I can thank you for are- your encouragement to get my degree and the lesson I learned about how actions mean everything and words are just empty syllables until you someone shows you how much they care. With you, it was all words and no actions and I fell for it. you and it ripped my life apart.

Now I know better. I am older,wiser and jaded. Thanks to you. I know you will go on and live your life, just as angry as ever. I am hurt and angry too and as much as you complain about how your family done you wrong maybe it’s punishment for treating me like something disposable when I am the best, more pure intentioned person you will ever meet. Too bad your upbringing and life is so poor you can’t see the diamond that is me and for you that is truly sad.

On 07-14-2010 leave a comment

Broken a Million Times Over

So many things I want to say, but how? Why did you do this to me, again? Was I not enough, strong enough? What did I do to deserve this from you?

When I entered this relationship, I brought with it my whole heart, and when you exited this relationship you tore it apart. Now I am left sitting here once again trying to piece my life back together. Building another wall ten times stronger for the next man who will try and enter my world again. When I walked out that door, I walked out of a home that I had built inside me, a place where I felt I belonged no matter what happened in this world. Now I am left feeling like a stranger in a big world I don’t belong in. I thought you were strong enough for me, but it turns out I was stronger then you. I would never do this to someone, no matter how I felt. Looking back there were days or weeks that we felt we weren’t right for each other, but I did not think about finding those missing pieces in someone else, because no matter how many fights there were or hurt I knew that you were it, you just had to get there yourself. When I am with someone and say that I love them I mean it. Obviously you don’t. You say you are sorry and regret everything you have done, that you will be the man I want…..bullshit…..you are still doing it all the same. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I guess I should have listened to that line 8 years ago. I just want to know that I am loved by someone. BUT not you, never again because love doesn’t do that to someone who gave up their whole world for you. Love is kind and giving whole heartedly, not cheating and lying. You should have realized what you had a long time ago, not by cheating on me twice.

I need peace from this, but the thing is I don’t know how to find it. It has been 2 months and 24 days since that day and I want to move on. I need to move on. You already have, but I am finding it hard to throw it all away as fast and easily as you have.

I need to find happiness and I need to find love again, but with someone other then you. Someone who won’t peel me away like dead skin, someone who knows how to love. Someone who CAN love and love JUST me. Someone who can be strong enough for me as I am for them. Someone who wants to commit to a true relationship because it is so very hard to find that in our world today.

So, H thank you for letting me down, just as the man before you has. Thank you for hurting me again and thinking it would all work out. Thank you for showing me again how much men are jerks and take me for granted, because hey its not like I deserve something good for a change. Thank you for showing me your support while I was away, by making sure you fulfilled yourself first. Again, thank you for thinking of my feelings.

Love Always

On 07-12-2010 leave a comment

Goodbye K

K,
I planned to be over this by now; I’ve always been told that I’m too demanding of myself. Yet, I didn’t know how I would feel if you contacted me again. The thought never crossed my mind. And then it happened. All the feelings that I told myself were almost gone, I found, had never left. When we spoke, it was as if the five months hadn’t passed. I could always talk to you so easily, even before we became romantically involved. Just hearing your voice triggered a wave of emotions that I had kept bottled up. I had learned to shut my feelings behind “iron doors” (a suggestion from one of my roommates). Just hearing you laugh at me fiddling with my phone, I could tell it was because you thought it was endearing. I remembered your facial expressions, the tone of your voice in different situations; I surprised myself when I said no.

I couldn’t see you; I was too scared. The minute you texted me, all of the old fear came back. I could barely sleep or eat. I worried all the next morning what I would do depending on your motives for contacting me. I considered what I would say if you asked to try again. At first I wrote that off completely, but then I realized that I was willing to give you another chance. That sounds so stupid after all that happened. I’d given you so many chances; I was there for you even while you were hurting me. At that moment, I realized that I really did love you, that I had experienced true love for the first time in my life. During graduation I got this feeling that even though my parents would go ballistic and our friends would both think we were stupid/insane, I wanted to try again. But this wasn’t what you wanted. You still weren’t ready for me. Although I understand and accept your decision, that is why I said no, because I wanted more. Read the rest of this entry »

On 06-09-2010 2 comments

Goodbye my toxic friend,

Dear Mr. B,

I hate how you make me feel. You break my heart and make me cry every single time we talk. It is killing me, literally. I should be with you, loving you, not feeling like shit every time I have contact with you. I know you don’t like that I miss you, but I do. Every single day. I hate you for breaking up with me and leaving me alone. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and take care of you. I hate that we are growing further apart. Eventually, we won’t even have each other. I am fighting a losing battle and it hurts my heart.

On 06-08-2010 1 comment so far

Mac

11-28-09
I’ve never felt for anyone like I have with you. Honestly I’ve had a crush on you since the first time we talked on the internet. Silly, I know. You wouldn’t believe how happy I was when I was told that you liked me. During summer when I would wake up to texts from you and fall asleep to texts from you was pretty great too. I like you so much it’s terrible. I’m sorry for always canceling our plans we would make over the summer, I wish I did hang out with you more over that summer. I honestly wish I had the guts to talk to you during my freshmen year, everyday after math i’d see you and I wish I could talk, but I couldn’t. You’ve made me realize how shy of a person I can be and how nervous I can be. I never thought someone could have that effect on me like you have. When we finally did hang out and I talked to you in person for the first time, I knew I really had strong feelings for you. When we stopped talking over summer, I hated it.

You didn’t talk to me and I felt that you lost interest in me and was upset with me for canceling once again, But I was ill that day. Those last few weeks of summer I thought about you nonstop and toward the end it stopped being nonstop, but I still thought about you. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you. I just wonder and think about you and how you’re doing and what you’re up to, If you’re thinking about me. Anyways at the beginning of this school year, I thought I didn’t like you anymore, but I was wrong. I saw you and all my feelings for you came back. I’m glad that you still liked me too. That day I went up to you in key club and said , “hi” and you didn’t seem to care and just left. Well I felt really bad that day until you texted me saying how nice it was to see me. You have some power that can make me extremely sad or extremely happy. I don’t know why. When I asked you in the coffee shop if you still liked me, and you said yes.

Read the rest of this entry »

On 05-25-2010 leave a comment

Letting go

Dear soon to be ex husband,

I was not happy with you but it still hurts to be rejected for someone 10 years younger than us, a child. I feel like a hypocrite since I am in love with my best friend and have been mutually and secretly without even admitting it to ourselves for years. I do not want you back but I miss who you used to be years ago sometimes. I found someone who does not judge me constantly and accepts me for who I am, someone who the chemistry is enough to destroy worlds with. I don’t know what the future holds because I am so jaded and feel like they all take without giving in the end. I am simply going to enjoy this and try not to repeat my mistakes in the past of letting myself be taken for granted.

I hope that you find happiness too. I do want to be friends but please allow me space first because I am angry at your negligence and how you tried to deny me happiness to make me first wife and play the bread to blondie Mc Teenager sandwich.

I have someone who would walk through fire for me, the one who has been there when you weren’t consistently, my angel. I want love not games. I hope my heart is not too damaged for that thanks to your cheap disguise and fucked up lies.

Love, your friend,

On 05-25-2010 leave a comment

Dear J

Broken a Million Times Over

Goodbye K

Dear Mr. B,

Mac

Letting go

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