Letters to Breathe » To Everyone

Ten things you want to say to ten different people.

admin — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 02:33:39 +0000

Came across this idea on a friends blog, Write Spell and thought I would jump in. Feel free to submit your ten things as a comment, a full post (quick and easy submit here), or even on your own blog if you are braver than I am. Super easy, just share ten things you want to say to ten different people.

Here are mine….

1. I am sorry…
2. I am pregnant.. again.. not what I had planned but I am and I am scared and would love your support….
3. Your not being around for me has affected me in so many ways and I wish somehow I could move on and accept it.
4. I have failed you, and I am so sorry for that.
5. I wish so much for you..
6. You disappoint me…
7. You are my reason to live.
8. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes.
9. I miss you.
10. I want you to think before you destroy your life…

Rapist

admin — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 21:35:31 +0000

It took a long time for me to realize what you did was rape. We were dating at the time and since we had sex before I thought it somehow okay. That night I didn’t want to have sex. You pushed me down and ripped my jeans and I kept saying no until I realized you were going to do what you wanted anyway. You were so much stronger that me. I just laid there as you held me down. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I acted like nothing happened. I wasn’t a virgin and I wasn’t innocent. I must have felt that I somehow deserved it. I even accepted your proposal to me after that. It was just a sick game to you.

You knew what you were doing. You loved the mind fuck you did to me. You enjoyed it. I just locked that night away and pretended it never happened. Even now I am so cold and lifeless about it. I can’t seem to bring up the pain and violence of that act. I am numb. I talked about it with a friend and roommate and they both said that you raped me. I have been lying to myself all this time and it’s been so long I don’t even feel anything anymore. I am afraid to feel because all the feelings will swallow me up in a sea of nothingness.

Now when someone gets in my face or wrestles with me jokingly I get panic attacks and freak out. Thanks to you (and my father) for all that. I was never like that before. I have a wonderful man in my life now and he has to deal with the emotional after-effects of what you did.

I stopped taking your calls and texts. I needed to get away from you. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to confront you about it yet I am sure you would deny it ever happened. I am only starting to realize how much I let men like you have done to me and how damaged I am to let you do it and not even say anything. Maybe it’s because my father abused me. Maybe I got used to men hurting me and just accepted it. What matters now is that we both know what you did and how you violated me. You will pay. God watches everything we do and you will pay. I don’t even know where you are now but if you were right here I would spit in your face. I bet you would just laugh and say your favorite phrase “game over”. You sick fuck.

Pat, you took so much away from me.

admin — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 18:05:43 +0000

Dear Mr Patrick Steffens:

You know what you did to me when we were growing up…..You took advantage oe me and my sister because you were a sick SOB that hurt both of us beyond repair…..You took away any trust I had in people, and I will never get that back…..I will be a miserable, lonely fuck because of the way you raped me—YOU SICK BASTARD….Do you know that the “friends ” I graduated high school from aren’t true friends….they just “pity” me because I was in so much pain after what you did to me…There was this girl I thought could love mw for me, but she can’t and she has just been pitying me all these years……I hope your are satisfied that you have really fucked up my life YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! I hope you ROT IN HELL!!! YOU SICK BASTARD!!

To The State Officials of West Virgina

admin — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 19:31:08 +0000

I want to tell you how you have damaged the children of our great state by your lies, deceits, secrets and lack of caring to protect the children of tomorrow with the power that you hold as our state officials. If you are on state payroll, this will apply to you. You sit up in the Capital of our beautiful state and act if nothing is wrong in our state. You smile in your Dept of Health and Human Services job title. You act as if nothing matters beyond the time clock from your work and to your family.

The truth is, there are many citizens who suffer because of the system and laws that you create and implement. The dependency that you create for individuals hooked up on checks are for your benefit too. People and stats become your job security! The more individuals you have on the federal and state programs, the longer your career will last. Stop this nonsense and give back to our citizens with tools to help them and not continue them on in this dependant government that you have created.

I have plenty of voice that will be revealed in due time of my status in this state. I was a child of Incest that this state did nothing to protect. My biological father was my abuser. The state allowed this man back into our home and then put him to work for our welfare check into our public school system as a janitor which could have subjected many children to future abuse from this man.

I commend Judge Stephens of McDowell County for standing up and putting my dad in prison for 5 years as the felon label that he deserved. However, it did not spare my family from ritual, mental and physical from this man from 1984-1992; when he became sentenced.I will spend a lifetime in recovery scraping away the elements of PTSD because of the trauma that you created too by not protecting us children!

When my dad first molested my younger and sister and me; we really believed the adults that he would OK and that we would be OK. It was not until he molested me again that I knew that pedophiles can never change.

My free book will available August 1. I do not wish to disclose my name at this moment for fear of repercussions before it becomes public. However, I would like our state to know that because of their poor judgment and their personal selfish reasons; our children do get left behind in society and the adults that they become…because of this abuse; they will get left behind too.

I did graduate high school and am working on my college degree now. But this nonsense has to stop.

So wake up West Virginia. The reasons we are labeled as Incestuous, Domestic Violence, Rednecks, Hillbillies and ignorant asses is because our state fails to acknowledge the truth of the people who do live here and offering real help of rehabilitation and education to the needs of these generational diseases.

This is a beautiful state full of common sense and morals of living when you scrap off all of the lies. We have had many individuals who have risen above the silence in our state but there is still more work to be done to help ALL of our citizens. Get out and talk to our people, travel in the hollers and the valleys and you will see for yourself.

I am woman enough to admit the failures of my own life and working through what ever comes my way to protect myself and my daughter. I do hope that you are smart enough with your education to wake up and realize that substance abuse, dependency on government and state programs and abuse occurs not just in families like mine; but in the very system that we elect you to protect us and our children too.

I believe in our state and even though, they have wronged my mother, father, sister, brother and me; I have hope that one day…I will be one of these educated individuals who will be able to stand on the Capital steps speaking the truth and making a difference to the lives that still suffer every day here.I have hope in the humanity of those in this world that showed me the way of truth. I will pay this forward and give it back to a state whose natural beauty is breathless and one day, our accomplishments and contributions will leave the rest of the world speechless in our accomplishments. It is my desire to make that happen one day!!! Watch out West Virginia…here I come:)

Depression.. you sneaky little..

admin — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 17:34:53 +0000

For years I was a card carrying member of the crazy club, on all sorts of medicines, in and out of hospitals, it was ridiculous. Then came a big, life changing event that changed everything, I tried to kill myself, only this time it nearly worked. I don’t know how but it snapped me out of it, and I made some major changes and for the last 5 years or so I have been doing great. I thought I had the whole depression thing kicked. I still had to be on sleeping meds for insomnia, but I wasn’t on any other drugs, I was doing great.

Turns out, that medicine I was on to help me sleep- was also taking care of my chemical depression- and last week when we switched medicines because the Trazodone was not as effective anymore- well, now the depressions back… you know what song pops into my head when I write that? How sick is that!

My Boyfriend’s Back by The Angels

More The Angels music on iLike

Anyway, so now it’s back and it pisses me off, just knowing that all this time I wasn’t actually managing everything on my own is so depressing. I am not ‘sad’ about any situation, my life is ok, I have clients, a beautiful little girl, my husband does not suck, etc. etc.

Dear Lake City….

admin — Sat, 15 May 2010 03:08:13 +0000

Never before have I lived in a town that had sooo many crack heads- here in Lake City you see them everywhere, you can tell who they are by the clothes, the skin, even the facial features are positioned- it is like it runs in the family or something. It is sad really, and it makes me want to leave this town so badly before my daughter is old enough to interact with your children. Why do you do this to yourself? Your kids, your family- and your town?

This town has so much potential, but it is crap now because everywhere you go you run into some redneck crack head asking for a smoke, or just stinking up the place- even when we go to a fancy restaurant you are there! I have only a few friends in town, because everyone else I have met is not who I want to associate with… The only place I have found to hang out is at Marion Street, and I am sure there are some of you that go there as well, luckily I haven’t ran into you (unless I am outside and you ride up on your bike asking for money or a cigarette!)

The amount of people that can’t dress is amazing, I have nothing against big people, but please- cover it up- If I see one more obese man riding through wall-mart on a electric cart with no shirt, no shoes, and tiny shorts on I am going to puke! Same goes for the ladies- when you are that overweight you don’t need to wear belly shirts!

One more thing- MEN- get a job, or at least try to! So many men in this town are unemployed and complaining about it, but not even trying to find a job- blaming the economy, yes- the economy is bad right now, but that does not mean you just give up and loiter around the cafe all day – not spending money or contributing to the business! I don’t care how much experience or how good you think you are- having a job at mcDonalds is better than not having one at all- go apply!

That’s the end of my rant for now- if you are a non-crackhead, ambitious, stable person in Lake City, FL- feel free to contact me! I would love to get to know you!

audentes fortuna iuvat

tdomf_f02d5 — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 14:23:30 +0000

Dawn breaks over the camp. The men a are nervous. They know our path leads to the river. I can still smell the fires and the death from where we have come. If we cross we will all be traitors to our homeland, but there is glory to be had on the other side. As we approach I wonder if this is the right decision. Should I fall on my sword and save the names of my men, or risk everything for a chance at glory? If we press on there will be no going back, victory or destruction. Fortune favors the bold, audeamus.

Dear Wallet

admin — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 01:32:22 +0000

We have had a roller coaster of a relationship the last few years, sometimes you have something for me, other times you are just empty inside… it hurts to see you so empty, and to know that you may be empty for a while. I have tried talking to you, begging you to just be ‘more’ but you give me nothing, I put so much into you and everything just rips you open and takes it all out. I am sorry we let the bank have it’s way with you, had I known that was going to happen we would have never introduced you.

I hope you will help be more stingy with yourself in the future, not allow your insides to become so empty. I know it is going to take a lot of work on my part to fix this relationship, but we will get there, we will figure it out like we always do… I need you, and I love you… I just wish there was more in you.

Alone together

tdomf_f02d5 — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 21:55:14 +0000

Dear single friends,
We all go to the same bars and dance to the same songs and drink the same drinks. I listen to your troubles finding love sympathetically and offer advice when it is solicited. I sit left out while you chat each other up and flirt, feeling isolated and unincluded. Sometimes it feels like nobody wants to talk to me once they find out I’m not a potential mate and don’t want THAT kind of contact or attention, or maybe they don’t want people getting the wrong idea that they are after me instead of just listening to a friend.

After all, I am “a good catch.” I bet you didn’t know that even though I am beautiful, intelligent, successful and have someone, that I am just as lonely as you are. Maybe more so, because I have been trapped in a romance-free marriage for a long time now. Just because it looks like I am successful and happy doesn’t mean it’s true. I am not happy and very confused. I don’t think anyone cares. My partner does not listen when I try to talk about it. Won’t someone notice when I reach out for help? It is really hard for me to open up about things.

I like to solve my own problems and don’t like being a burden on anyone. It is hard to figure out your troubles when you have no one to REALLY talk to though. It is so much easier to just plod along and pretend. After all, it looks like I’m doing fine… Maybe it is my own fault. Oh, I know it is. I am only human though. I’m just tired of being a friend to others, while not having anyone be a real friend to me. My troubles are real too. All I really want is someone to spend time w/ me and really listen. To feel connected to something human again. I feel ashamed and isolated; a failure.

Drunk

tdomf_f02d5 — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 19:47:47 +0000

Dear boys,
I drink too much. I know it. Everybody knows it. I’ve never said it out loud, because if I say it out loud then that would mean I’d have to change. I don’t want to change. Everybody’s seen girls like me at the bar. Party girls. The ones you feel sorry for and kind of hate but at the same time you envy them because they have no inhibitions and they always look like they’re having a great time. But I get too drunk, too fast. I black out each and every single time. I am loud and fun and people love me when I’m drinking.

I make friends with everyone. With the bouncers, the bar tenders, the guys. I need men to like me. Can you understand that? I need the attention. Being drunk is the only time that I ever feel beautiful. It’s the only time my brain ever shuts off and I stop criticizing myself. Even if it’s only pretend, for five hours I get to feel funny and sexy and special. Aren’t we all trying to feel like that? So maybe it’s worth it.

It’s kind of funny that I spend so much time partying and degrading myself trying to create the feeling of being loved by someone else that, I can’t have functioning relationships because I hate myself. Everybody loves a party girl, nobody wants to date one.

I am telling you these things because next weekend or the weekend after or whenever you go to the club, I want you to look for me. I’m probably wearing stilletos, tight skinny jeans or a skirt. I have lipstick on and I’m on the dance floor and I’m laughing and flirting and I’m ridiculously drunk. Look for me. How do I seem? I look unconditionally happy right? I look sexy. Please be nice to me. Please be kind, and help me find my phone when I lose it. Please don’t try to take me home, and don’t buy me a drink, even if I ask you to.
Please just.. don’t let me fall down.