I forgive me! I forgive me that I had no choices to suffer Incest as a child. I forgive myself that I carry Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a bad reminder of what abuse is as a child. I forgive my thoughts of Ritual Abuse when I battle myself to make sound decisions. I forgive myself for giving others the benefit of the doubt to be honest with me, only to find out their true motives are not of best interests in our friendships. I forgive myself for the bad adult decisions that I have made thus far, based upon childhood abuse and re-victimization.
I didn’t know.
I forgive myself that I grew up in poverty and saw how my parents broke the law in operating vehicles on public highways with no insurance, proper registration and even knowing how to bootleg vehicle stickers. I forgive myself for the jokes others make about me being poor white trash. I know better.
I know that I lacked essential years of productive guidance. I know that I didn’t receive constructive means of affection, love, direction, guidance and forgive me. I forgive me for the years lost that I can’t get back.
I forgive myself of my insecurities when I find them through trial and error. I forgive myself when I can’t properly communicate with others for fear of rejections or retailiation because I did grow up so different in society.
I force myself to forgive society for being so cold, so uneducated and so cruel to people like me. They don’t know. They don’t care to know.
But I forgive. Forgiveness is the only constructive emotion that I did learn from all of this turmoil that I walked away with from my childhood.
It makes me smarter, wiser, more emphatic and more civil than what most in the world will know. If you only knew me, you would know a friend for life.
If you only knew me, and push past my looks of feminity; you would forgive my external appearance for not properly representing the person that I am at heart. I forgive the females that judge me because of my petite frame and my cute looks. I forgive females for the labeling and falseness that most have exposed to me in their lack of caring for others. Because they can’t see past their own reflections to let another in.
Most of all, I forgive myself as a mother. I am more of a human being than what the world has expressed to me what a woman should be. I am more of a mother to my daughter than my own mother cared to protect and show me.
Because of my actions, my daughter will never know Incest or abuse in her life. I do forgive myself that I am not educated to the standards I would love to be to help her further herself financially than what I am able to give her. I forgive myself that I am not the mother that I should be to her. I forgive myself that I shut the world out when triggers and flashbacks cut my heart. I forgive myself that I try every day even though, my mind and body ache at this journey of motherhood. I forgive myself that I am only human and not as strong as I wish I could be in this stage of my life. I forgive me that I don’t know about everything but I am very proud that I am still learning and not afraid too.
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