You are a strong individual and you do not need guys to determine whether you are going to have a good day or bad. You have gone through TOO much to let yourself go like this and become that girl you always hated to see in others. Yes, it is going to be hard and you will want to fall apart, but you can’t do that now, life is moving before your very eyes and there is no escalator to take you through it, you have to do it yourself.

As for this stupid guy you really like but claims he is not “looking for a relationship”, that’s just it, he is telling you the truth. He only wants you when he is available, and do you really want to do this all over again? I don’t think you are strong enough to pick up the pieces by yourself next time. Yes, he is great in so many ways, and if you had the chance I really think there is something extremely special there, but you can’t make it if they don’t want it. Let him go and he will realize what he has lost just like before.

You really must start working on yourself, for yourself instead of looking for someone else to come in and make it better, because its not. You are just putting the cover on and letting it seep out little by little. Why don’t you start to listen to how you really feel, like when you are drinking, those are the pure and raw emotions you have to deal with before you can let someone else in. Just let it happen, one day it will come and you will be ready.

Concentrate on your future and working towards your goal. Don’t let others pull you back, stop e-mail the “old lover” and texting the “almost lover”. Neither one of them are good for you right now and they are still only looking out for themselves and their own needs.

Today is the day that you will take it all back. You will realize again, how great and strong you really are and that you don’t need someone to determine your happiness or sadness. You can do that all on your own. So instead of crying yourself to sleep tonight, think of tomorrow as the first day to the rest of YOUR life, because this time it is you in the drivers seat and you don’t have a co-pilot to help with second guessing.

Its all you, show em’ what you’ve got, and just how good it is to be riding solo.

xox
Always yours

I didn’t know.

I forgive myself that I grew up in poverty and saw how my parents broke the law in operating vehicles on public highways with no insurance, proper registration and even knowing how to bootleg vehicle stickers. I forgive myself for the jokes others make about me being poor white trash. I know better.

I know that I lacked essential years of productive guidance. I know that I didn’t receive constructive means of affection, love, direction, guidance and forgive me. I forgive me for the years lost that I can’t get back.

I forgive myself of my insecurities when I find them through trial and error. I forgive myself when I can’t properly communicate with others for fear of rejections or retailiation because I did grow up so different in society.

I force myself to forgive society for being so cold, so uneducated and so cruel to people like me. They don’t know. They don’t care to know.

But I forgive. Forgiveness is the only constructive emotion that I did learn from all of this turmoil that I walked away with from my childhood.

It makes me smarter, wiser, more emphatic and more civil than what most in the world will know. If you only knew me, you would know a friend for life.

If you only knew me, and push past my looks of feminity; you would forgive my external appearance for not properly representing the person that I am at heart. I forgive the females that judge me because of my petite frame and my cute looks. I forgive females for the labeling and falseness that most have exposed to me in their lack of caring for others. Because they can’t see past their own reflections to let another in.

Most of all, I forgive myself as a mother. I am more of a human being than what the world has expressed to me what a woman should be. I am more of a mother to my daughter than my own mother cared to protect and show me.

Because of my actions, my daughter will never know Incest or abuse in her life. I do forgive myself that I am not educated to the standards I would love to be to help her further herself financially than what I am able to give her. I forgive myself that I am not the mother that I should be to her. I forgive myself that I shut the world out when triggers and flashbacks cut my heart. I forgive myself that I try every day even though, my mind and body ache at this journey of motherhood. I forgive myself that I am only human and not as strong as I wish I could be in this stage of my life. I forgive me that I don’t know about everything but I am very proud that I am still learning and not afraid too.

Then I lose my head and I look through the phone just to see and there it is a naked picture of a girl and an answer to the picture that I didn’t want to hear. Then I forgive you, but you do not stop. There is a picture of a new girl. You leave for the day and come back with a hickey on your neck and the deny it’s very existence. Then you break my heart and tell me that there is too much in your life to deal with a girlfriend. Then two days later you show up with another hickey on you neck.

It kills me. It’s not that I am so upset about him but that I always fail. I am so tired of failing. I am lost alone and I don’t know what to do next. I just don’t know what to do. I am sick of picking up the pieces of my life. I am afraid that the only way for me not to have to do this is to be alone. My greatest fear is being alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore. He is in the room with me now, but I have never felt more alone in the world than I do now.

Today will be a horrible day, filled with happiness and stupidity, and you wont even know it is bad until the end.  When you discover that your father tried to pick you up at school because your mother was dying.  Yes, she is getting into a car accident today, and only lives for a few hours, wanting to say goodbye.

But you are going to skip school today, go to the mall and do things that you shouldn’t. Today is the day you loose your virginity and you will be awfully disappointed with that experience, as a matter of fact, the guy you are planning on having sex with gets arrested tomorrow and you won’t see him again for a year.

When you finally go home, hours after school ended, you will see police cars and a devastated father.  You will assume you are in trouble, but will soon find out that what you did was not the matter at hand, yes, police are looking for you, to tell you your mother is dead.  Your father will look at you as if you are the biggest disappointment, and you will feel that look to the core.  Why did you have to skip today?

So if this letter somehow makes it back in time, please, please don’t skip school.  And be sure to tell your mother you love her instead of leaving in a fight.   The rest of your life will be haunted by today, no matter what happens, so try to change it.

Me…