Dear Diva Sister,

How dare you suggest that maybe dad didn’t really shove me on the floor. You know how he is. How dare you make it all about you by acting like the main drama is you having a had time reconciling that emotionally and that we are your supporting characters. That is not how life works. And you try to blame 2 glasses of pinot grigio I had with mom’s birthday dinner for me getting pissed off at you about that? I’d be pissed if I drank soda. I am an adult and don’t have to hide what I do. You drink way more than I do anyway but hide it from everyone. You were probably high when you said that.

I see you trying to normalize your past drug problems by saying that I was being emo because of having a few glasses of wine at my mom’s birthday dinner. I was actually pretty calm about it. Way to shift blame off oneself for being a jerk, sis. Why not just apologize then stfu? Anyway, enjoying a glass or two of wine when there is some around at a birthday dinner for family is not the same as having a heroin addiction, and stealing grandma’s pain meds.

You changed a lot when you were on drugs. You have stolen video games from me to the used game store to get money before. I know because I bought it back and my character was still there. You deny it and get all upset if anyone brings it up. Far more upset than calmly saying “I don’t want to hear it” and walking away (which I did last night.)

You have been a frequent surprise financial burden to my mom, sniveling at her when you f**k up and needing her to pay thousands of dollars in a single month a few years ago. It was once to the point that my mom even borrowed money from my school loans once to keep your helpless ass out of jail. You love to play ‘the victim.’ My mom locks all of the doors to hers and my grandma’s room because she doesn’t trust you. Part of the reason is because you never owns up to her mistakes like an ex-addict should, like an adult should.

It pissed me off that you would push your issues on me when I have enough on my plate. You really do think everything is about you. You even thought my boyfriend gave you a dirty look and thinks he knows who you are. He was probably not even thinking about you. Maybe he was thinking about my dad shoving me into the floor. Maybe he was thinking about getting a job so we’d have some space. Believe it or not, you are not the center of everyone’s universe.

How dare you tell me not to ‘talk shit’ about his family. You have no business telling me how to be or what to say. I told you and mom and grandma the story of why we left. Saying exactly what happened is not what shit talking is, it is called being real and not rewriting history to be excuses you can live with. If people are shitty to me they get ‘talked shit’ about. My boyfriend’s dad was really shitty to us. I don’t hate him but I think he is the most selfish human being I have ever met and obviously, I know quite a few of those, like you and our dad, who is not just selfish but also abusive to the point he can’t control his anger and can let his ridicule turn into shoving.

Anyway, you are an idiot because in your mind saying there was no food in the house is talking shit about my boyfriend’s mom. It was actually because she doesn’t realize that she really did not have money to buy food. It is a foreign concept to her, a mother who can’t buy food and doesn’t empty their pocket to your whims because you are a spoiled brat. Mom really f**ked up by being too tired to deal with you and just giving in to your screaming fits when we were kids. You have always been a bit diva-ish and able to get my mom to buy all sorts of things by whining about needing it after my mom started having better jobs, after I left. You get pissy about not having your own space, but does not seem to realize, that is the way it is when you live at home with mom and not on your own…

The funniest thing you said to me was that it was ‘out of character’ for me to try to get pregnant, especially after one early miscarriage by accident. First of all, I am not a character, but a person. I think a smirked a bit as I thought to myself about how you really doesn’t understand that some people grow up and stop being teenagers.

But hey…What can you expect from someone who has a mentality to whine for whatever they want from mom and try to get as much as they can, and whose idea of being an adult is being able to go to bars or be on fetlife? Don’t get me wrong, I love you, sister – but damn are you ever a f**king selfish brat, and a bit unstable.

You learned from dad to rewrite history and like to pretend you didn’t do horrible things instead of deal with it and move on. The one good thing I got from getting raped and having PTSD from that was that I had no choice but to learn how to move on from horrible things in life. It is coming in really handy now. It is funny that conditionally passing my quals while having marriage troubles led to my being clinically depressed, but having a miscarriage did not. I think the difference is I’m not alone because I have an amazing and supportive fiance to hold me and tell me that things will be okay.

I guess you can’t think about anyone else ling enough to realize this before judging but if you did you’d realize that I had a reliable car, a decent job and a nice home when I last found out I was pregnant. Of course I am going to be mad at my boyfriend’s dad for upsetting our little life we had started there in ways that caused me extra stress and perhaps led to the 12 week miscarriage. I am mad at my former employer for firing me the day after I asked for my insurance info and PTO for a prenatal appointment. As my boyfriend says, that is all over now though. Really it may be best that we are near my mom and far from people who don’t give us the right to have our lives revolve around them.

I am still a bit mad about starving on Thanksgiving and how my boyfriend found something for his fat retarded brother to eat but let me and his child go hungry. He said he wanted to have kids, but didn’t really make it a priority. It was force of habit and because it makes it easier to put the kid to sleep. I was the only one who worked 40 hours a week and did not simply sit around drinking beer all day and was dizzy from hunger. If his teenage sister got pregnant you I wonder if people would have been careful that she had enough food or if she would be told to suck it up like me? I don’t think that is too much to ask for.

My grandma thinks I have a man to take care of me. His family all thought I was going to take care of all of them. You expect mom to take care of you forever while you spend your money like a teenager with a summer job instead of like a 30 year old woman who should try to become stable on her own which is what you are. You still think you are going to lose weight and become a movie star. You are looking old and drugs f**ked you up, get real.

Also, it is not my fault you are a fatty. I lived most of my life not having enough food to get fat. Boo hoo, you are spoiled and have no self control. I hate when you snivel about being compared to me and mom, because she is a tall skinny redneck and I have the same build as her but a shorter version because of dad being a short asshole Mexican macho piece of shit. You’re fat because you eat too much. I get dangerously thin anytime I am depressed and have actually been so hungry it hurts, not by choice.

My aunt said to my mom to tell me that she is very sorry for my loss and for all of the rough times I have been through recently, glad that I am not alone and have someone nice with me, and that if I need anything she would be happy to help me. It is nice that the non batshit insane people in our family give a shit about me and aren’t turning me into their god damned punching bag before the dead fetus is even cold!

I wonder if I should ask her for money to pay off my loans. She is the only one in our family that has extra money and could easily do that. I would not dare do that but if she wanted to help me that would be the best way to do it. I am generally too proud to ask for money from anyone. My mom offered to help me with the insurance. My first thought was to pawn off anything of value I had but that would not have been quite enough. It might have been close though. Oh well, now I can do that next time a surprise financial burden rears it’s head.

My boyfriend doesn’t say much about any of my family members at all. The most he did say about that was that it seemed childish of you to follow me and continue trying to have the last word after I said I didn’t want to talk about it. My family always thought my ex-husband was a yuppie elitist phony asshat and like my current boyfriend better because he is polite and doesn’t hang all over me or do underhanded things. He comforts me differently. There is a lot less talking and a lot more cuddles. He tries to stay focused on the positive and the future more than wallowing in the past and tells me not to think about everything that makes me angry so much but to think about how he loves me and how sweet the kitties snuggled up by our feet are.

Well, there is a reason that I am loved and you are always alone. Not even your own family can stand you. Grow up you fat drama cow! I can never say that to your face because I have to be the bigger person, but that is what I am thinking. I wonder if drugs made you emotionally retarded and stuck as a teenager forever. I hope you get over yourself and stop being a burden on mom and a bitch to everyone else whenever you get in a bad mood. It is weak to push your shit on everyone else. You are weak or character. I do love you and do also see the good sides of you, but I wish you’d face yourself and become a god damned adult!

Well, soon we will be out of here and it sure beats dealing with the leaching rednecks that were my boyfriend’s family, or our abusive dad who I will be civil to but will never give him any opportunity to feel like he has power over me ever again. I wish you and senile grandma would give me a god damned break, and try to be nice to me even if it does mean you have to inconvenience yourself by sharing the smoking are and the bathroom. I am glad I don’t think it is all about me all the time like you both do.

Love,

your older sister, who looks way younger than you because she didn’t f**k with hard drugs

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