I’m Still in Love With You.
I know you’re going to a party tonight, I’m not mad. I just don’t know why I have to feel like this. I feel like I’m not in control of my life and I’m just dreaming, like I’m going to wake up and it’ll be last summer and everything will be okay. I’m scared. I don’t want to move on, I don’t want to be without you. I really don’t get how I can feel so horrible and you’re perfectly fine. This feeling that I have inside isn’t even explainable, I wish I could just change everything by telling you how I feel, but the sad part is you already know. You know how I feel about you and yet you don’t care. I know that you don’t have to, I mean I was the one who hurt you, I was the one to break up with you, I was the one who took you for granted. I just thought that you’d always be there and I could just run back to you at anytime and you’d welcome me with open arms, that’s not really the case. If anything, you’ve taught me to not take anyone’s love for granted and to truly give your heart to those who love you.
I know this feeling inside isn’t just me being lonely. I’ve had opportunities to be with other guys but they don’t compare to you, to the way you made me feel. I don’t want anyone else, I really don’t. I wish I could fast forward to a time when I’m genuinely happy, then I’d have something to look forward to. I feel like I’m just on this earth taking up space, not really living but just alive. I breathe and sleep but my thoughts are consumed by you. I play back all the good times I can remember with you in my head. It really sucks. Thinking about how I was so stupid and how much you cared about me really makes me sad. I don’t get how you said you loved me but you don’t want me anymore. I don’t get it, I wish I could understand. I wish I could just throw away all the memories of you but I can’t.
Whenever I see you now it’s so weird. It’s weird how only less than a year ago I could hug you and kiss you whenever I wanted to but now we don’t share a word. I see you and I don’t even know who you are. I don’t miss you, really I don’t. I don’t miss this new Brandon that I’ve never met before. I miss the old Brandon who was the sweetest person I had ever met. I miss that guy who would tickle me and give me that gross feeling that you have in your stomach when you really love someone.
I can’t take back the things I’ve said to you, as hurtful as they were, I wish I could. I wish someone would invent the time machine already so I could be happy again. I think the thing I want the most is for you to want the same things I do. It hurts when I think about December when you got high in the art room. I think it was December? I don’t even know, I guess it doesn’t matter. It just bothers me how you chose that over me. You couldn’t honest think things would be okay after you did that. Why couldn’t you have just told me? It wouldn’t have mattered if you didn’t keep it from me. I guess the past doesn’t matter anymore though; it’s pointless to cry over things that have already happened. Things that you can’t take back even if you wanted to, (although I doubt you’d want to take back some of the fun shit you’ve done that’s hurt me, right? yeah that’s what I thought.)
I never want to be friends with you though, that’s for sure. How can you be friends with someone that you have a past with? I guess it’s possible, but I never want to look at you and laugh with you and not be able to tell you I love you. I mean I highly doubt that you care and I’m probably just like annoying because I keep bothering you, I know I’m bothering you. But I can’t stop. I don’t know why but it’s like I know it’s not going to work, we’re not getting back together but I can’t stop thinking that there’s hope. I wish I didn’t think there was hope, because holding on to something that isn’t there doesn’t feel so hot.
Well I guess this whole letter thing is pretty pointless because you’re never going to read it, but somewhere I feel like God is watching me write this and he’s thinking to himself, “I’ll have them get back together because that Chrissy, she deserves to be happy!” I know that’s probably unrealistic but maybe writing all this down creates some miracle that gets an angel to whisper it all into your ear and it causes you to call me or something and tell me how much you miss me, I really wish that would happen. If it did I would seriously start crying and say a billion Hail Mary’s.
I really do love you. A lot. Like way more than a lot.
And you don’t want anything to do with me.
Doesn’t life suck.
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