Jack,
I love you. It’s been such a horribly long time since the last time I wrote those words. Nearly nine months, but I know you don’t really mind because you understand what I am; stubborn and realistic and snarly, and that I thought there would be no sense to writing. But now I can’t seem to help myself. And I know that it is the right thing to do, despite the fact that I have waited so long. I need to tell you that I love you again, just so I won’t forget the words.
Even now, I can’t comprehend what it means; loving you after you are dead. I still want to comfort and to be comforted, to hear and be heard. I want to have those arguments and problems and little bits of the day that we used to share. I want to do projects with you, our odd small hobbies that I’ve tucked into closets and boxes with our pictures. I hadn’t realized until just now that we’ll never finish them; the reactor, our dismal attempts at learning Italian, your cello music I’ll never hear again.
I can’t make myself do those things without you, Jack. Never. I am alone without you. I miss you with every inch of my body and every fragment of my soul and typing this will not bring you back and I cannot help but continue on. You can’t do anything with me now, and yet I love you and set you between me and any chance of ever loving anyone else. And I can’t imagine letting you move.
I bet you’re not happy with me, keeping you as block. But I can’t help it. I don’t want to stay alone, but everyone else just seem like chalk-dust to me. You are only left. You are real. And I am stuck in that moment, with you lying there trussed with a vent, catheter, and life sustainers; knowing only the reality of love and my lack of courage to pull the ripcord.
Jack, I love you. I love my almost-fiance. But you’re dead. And I’m not ready to let you go.
Katy.
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The movie “the way” was very inspirational and played a key role in my husband’s greiving process following the death of his VERY close brother, Dusty. Believe it or not but it’s been ten years since he saw his brother pass when taken off of life support and before he saw this movie, he couldn’t even begin to talk about dusty without throwing something in anger or sobbing and going to his room. He is a grown man! He’s been through several years of professional therapy and couldn’t deal with his death. This movie inspired him to think of his brother in a different light. He now talks about his brother freely and with pleasure, remembering his light and keeping the flame alive. He’s running a 50 mile race for the first tme in April and will dedicate his race in the memory of Dusty. I can’t believe how this movie affected him. We are planning on hiking the way of st. James in July of 2012. And talking about Dusty along our journey. You are welcome to join us! Please see this movie! It may change your life!