I don’t know if I want to be with you. Your breath really smells and it’s so disgusting. I want to kiss you but it smells like a dragon. And why do you not shave? It’s so nasty! You need to pluck your eyebrows and shave the whiskers that you keep missing! Take your time for god’s sake. I will teach you if you want. And stop calling me hot. Call me beautiful or gorgeous or pretty. It feels so much more meaningful.
I try to accept your flaws and like you for who you are. But these simple little fixable things just bug me to no end! I am starting to have second thoughts about dating you. I am starting to regret ever saying yes. I want so much for this to work. And I feel horrible because I know you like me ALOT. But I also am trying to remember that I cannot stay in a relationship if only for the other person. I have to do what’s right for me.
I will hang in there for a while longer. I promise. We are still a fairly new couple and I have to give you a chance. Ya know?
And something has been going on that I haven’t told you. This girl on our bus who sits behind us goes on and on SO LOUDLY about how much of an ugly couple we are. It makes me want to cry. You don’t hear it and your lucky. But I hear it and it burns. It hurts so bad. I am thinking about punching her in the face. But then I realize how much trouble I will get in.. But then again it will feel so good.
The last thing I haven’t told you is that I flirt with other guys. I flirt with these guys because you don’t give me the attention and affection that I desperately need. I crave it. And you are not fulfilling that craving. Like COME ON! Hold my hand dammit! Put your arms around me. Don’t just walk there like some prude idiot! Seriously. If you don’t start giving me what I want, I am going to have to dump you. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, toots!
Love,
Your Transformers Girl
Dear boys,
I drink too much. I know it. Everybody knows it. I’ve never said it out loud, because if I say it out loud then that would mean I’d have to change. I don’t want to change. Everybody’s seen girls like me at the bar. Party girls. The ones you feel sorry for and kind of hate but at the same time you envy them because they have no inhibitions and they always look like they’re having a great time. But I get too drunk, too fast. I black out each and every single time. I am loud and fun and people love me when I’m drinking.
I make friends with everyone. With the bouncers, the bar tenders, the guys. I need men to like me. Can you understand that? I need the attention. Being drunk is the only time that I ever feel beautiful. It’s the only time my brain ever shuts off and I stop criticizing myself. Even if it’s only pretend, for five hours I get to feel funny and sexy and special. Aren’t we all trying to feel like that? So maybe it’s worth it.
It’s kind of funny that I spend so much time partying and degrading myself trying to create the feeling of being loved by someone else that, I can’t have functioning relationships because I hate myself. Everybody loves a party girl, nobody wants to date one.
I am telling you these things because next weekend or the weekend after or whenever you go to the club, I want you to look for me. I’m probably wearing stilletos, tight skinny jeans or a skirt. I have lipstick on and I’m on the dance floor and I’m laughing and flirting and I’m ridiculously drunk. Look for me. How do I seem? I look unconditionally happy right? I look sexy. Please be nice to me. Please be kind, and help me find my phone when I lose it. Please don’t try to take me home, and don’t buy me a drink, even if I ask you to.
Please just.. don’t let me fall down.
The fact that you stood up for my rapist cousin in court against me, broke my heart so badly that I questioned whether I wanted to live in such a world. The lies you made other girls he violated tell in court, and your lashing out at me on the stand was almost worse than being raped itself.
Atop the building, ready to ‘fly the final flight,’ I decided I might as well stick around and see what happens and I’m glad of this. However, I still feel bitter when I realize that I have never been able to love normally since then. I was only 13. Your misogynistic love of him over me and the other cousins he raped sickens me.
At least I have more normal relationships than you do and am slowly learning not to be afraid to care, even if it might be too little too late. I seem to be able to care about ideas but I fail to trust people I should trust, to the point that it is somewhat socially crippling. I hope you are crippled by guilt, but somehow I doubt it.
I am glad that some of my family understands, and my chosen family accepts me as the quirky person I am because of my many experiences, one being this. You never loved me. I am no longer so consumed with rage but I will never forgive you, even though you are such base creatures you have no idea it was wrong.
I hope you rot in the hell you believe in, even though I don’t believe in anything but randomness and personal will. May flights of devils bring you to your rest – all of you that sat on his side of the courtroom and all who tell me I’m overreacting if I refuse to come or storm off when you invite them over for family gatherings.
I am sorry that I let myself be pushed away. I was afraid the others would see how much I care for you, and that if you still felt the way you once said, nothing could keep us from expressing it at that moment, and feelings would be hurt. There are so many reasons why that would be wrong, though there are also a few reasons why it wouldn’t be. I am not sure I’ll ever have the courage to explore that, and I doubt you will either, but I know I will never forget you. I hope we will always be a part of each others’ lives, in some way. I am glad we became friends, even if it is complicated.
I still love you, but something has changed. I wish I could look at you with the same gaze of love that you look at me with. You are jealous, boring, and emotionally distant to the point that you lie to me and keep me totally out of the loop, and warm and familiar and…my best friend. I don’t want to lose you. I am lonely for emotional connection and the thought of this being the last romantic connection I ever have for the rest of my life makes me sad. I worry that one day I will betray you and myself. At least it is a familiar kind of sad…
I’ve tried to talk to you about it, but it seems like I can’t reach you. I know I’m distant too because of this, and stress and sacrifices we made. This price seems unfair for what we gained, the road to success.
I’m going to have to rethink this if I still feel this way on my next birthday. I hope we find our way, and each find happiness. I hope that I am always a part of your life to share your happiness with you, even if we discover we’ve grown apart in the end as well.
I have listened to you many times say that you “did the best you could” and that you treated your children all equally. I hear these words and they make me cringe. You are so delusional. You have played the victim your entire life so nobody has ever called you out on your behavior. Last time I checked, snorting coke and falling down unconcious in the street with your 2 year old son is nothing to brag about but you somehow found some humour in this. Your neglect and abuse is shameful. Do you remember packing all of my clothes into garbage bags when I was 4 and making me sit in the apartment hallway crying because you “kicked me out”. How pathetic! Tell me, what could a 4 year old do that would deserve this treatment. You never did this to my brother.
You want to know why Dad and I are so close? He tried to protect me from you! Sadly, once he moved out, the abuse got worse. You had so many different men coming in and out of the house, and you would call me a slut! I would talk to counsellor’s at school because I couldn’t bare to live with you anymore and you would lie to child protective services. The best part was they bought your lies and no more then 5 minutes after they had left, you had me pinned up against the wall choking me and punching me in the face. Great system!
Then you moved us across the country away from our entire family so you could be with your loser boyfriend, whose job was breaking and entering. You gave us 2 weeks notice to say goodbye to everyone we loved. Then the sickest part of all, you met some guy 2 days into our train ride and screwed him and decided that we were going to get off in the city he lived in so you and him could start your happy lives together! WHAT?!! Then when I refuse to get off the train – you called me selfish and that I didn’t want you to be happy. You just pulled me away from my best friends and the family I knew for 15 years to move across the country for this loser – if he was so important to you then why would you want to move in with some stranger with your 4 children. You left me and my brother on the train crying and took off with the new guy and my two little brothers…only to return a half hour later calling me every name in the book. Once we arrived to our final destination, you are hugging and kissing the loser you wanted to move out here for like nothing happened on the damn train. So sick.
You called me ugly my entire life and now you are so proud to show me off to everyone because you think I should be a model. How about be proud of my achievements and what I’ve accomplished with my life. When I told you I was going back to school – there was no support, no congrats! When I told you that I landed my first career in the field I worked so hard in, you said nothing. Are you jealous?? It’s sad that after 32 yrs, I still carry this hatred for you. I was so happy when you moved away so I didn’t have to listen to your self pity anymore. And still in the last 2 years since you’ve moved – I have only seen you 3 times and you have caused the biggest problems every single time. How pathetic are you?! You are 50 years old and you act like you are a child.
I will never forget when you couldn’t be bothered to help my brother. You thought he would commit suicide because he was so depressed. You left him in that room to rot and you talked about him like he wasn’t there. You asked for my help and I tried! The help center wanted to talk to you, but you couldn’t be bothered. Instead, you focused your attention somewhere else to cause drama for me instead of taking care of your own damn son!! When I lost my son, you jumped on the opportunity to take time off work. You took a whole damn week off work and I didn’t see you once. You had the nerve to call me to bitch about how your work wasn’t going to pay you for the leave of absence. Who lost the baby?? OH right, it was me but somehow it was about you. At his funeral you made a huge scene, how I apparently stabbed you in the back because the celebrant didn’t mention your name. Your name was the only name not mentioned because YOU didn’t call the celebrant like she had requested…but yes, you are the victim and I sure did stab you in the back. How selfish!!! In the parking lot at the funeral home you requested extra copies of the service with his picture on it so you could show your work that he was a real baby and not a miscarriage and then you were going to go on stress leave! You make me sick.
So here we are – My family is taking care of your so called “suicidal son”. It’s been 8 damn months and you are so ungrateful. Everyone else has to pick up the slack for you. It’s funny what a little support and a push does because he is doing so great! You are so unhappy in every aspect of your life – it’s quite sad. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone in my whole life as much as I despise you. I’ve only ever felt sorry for you.
