I wish I still felt the way I used to about things. I slip away from everything because it is all I know. I see too much of the truth for my own good; a life that is random, transient churlish and short populated by people trapped in break loops is what I see. I wish I still believed in fairy tales, and ideals and purity. It is not love I have to give. Indifference and understanding is all I have to offer in the end. If I had control of my heart’s desires, and could kneel and pledge allegiance like I should, I’d be the master of my destiny and choose the logical answer. That which does not kill us makes us strangers. I am the guide for lost souls, forever lost myself.
Another wordless Wednesday at Letters to Breathe and I have a beautiful picture from to share with you. The question with this one is “What is your first thought?” When you see this picture, leave a comment telling me what the picture made you think or feel when you saw it. No holding back!
Hypnotize by *april182 on DeviantArt
For me I instantly thought of the Labyrinth, one of my favorite movies. It also makes me feel festive!
That man you met, and took to the beach, he was my husband. He left me to my own devices in an unknown city where I only knew a few people, and none of them well. This wasn’t your fault, he hid his ring and wooed you with drinks and dinner, never mentioning me. Apparently you both had fun.
I don’t like the changes happening in my relationship. I don’t like that he calls you almost every day. He says he won’t leave me, and he doesn’t even think you’re interested in anything serious, but I’d like it to stop.
I’d like it if you didn’t go on a holiday together. If you didn’t ask for bed-time stories over the phone. If you stopped sending him text messages so often and especially not when you know ahead of time that he and I have taken some leave to try to work things out.
I lied when I said that I was a-ok with parts of this. I’m not. He’s obsessing about you continuously while still professing his love to me. If things continue like this, I’m leaving. If you are as concerned about this possibility as you profess, then do the right thing and back off. Let us work things out and find our own way again.
- his wife.
I knew when I married you that it was a mistake. I didn’t know how long we would last, but it has been six years now. You have ruined our daughers life with your selfishness and your drinking. You have almost ruined me. The sad thing is that every time you do something that irritates me I wish with all of my heart that I can irritate you enough that you would leave me. I am so in love with the man who was my best friend before you came back into my life. Now six years later I love him, I think about him and it is him that I constantly dream about. It is his arms I want to be in every night.
I will never understand why you decide to take people away, or why some of those people are so young. Recently you took away a friends two year old little boy, Bryson, he fell into a pool, why didn’t you stop it, why didn’t you use your power to alert his mommy to the problem? Why have you chosen to take him, leaving behind so many people that loved him? And leaving a mother and a big brother that will almost certainly feel guilty for something that could have happened to anyone? 
How unfair. You have taken from me as well, you took my baby girl Ashley Nicole when she was just two months old. The doctors called it SIDS, I call it crap, there was no reason for it, I was a GOOD mother, I loved her so much, yet you took her from me with no warning, while you leave children with mothers and family that abuse them, that don’t deserve the gift of a child. Why me? Why Shellie?
I used to have no doubt you existed, but ever since the loss of my baby girl I have lost that faith, more than anything I hope you don’t exist, I know I may go to hell for saying that, but you know- if you are really there and you decide to send me to hell for feeling the way I do, or decide to send anyone that kills themselves because they just can’t find the strength to go on anymore, if you really do just send people to hell for that, then I don’t want to be in your heaven. I can’t imagine a god that would send people to hell for being conflicted, if you are all powerful then you know what is in my heart, you know I try so very hard to believe in you, to trust you, to have faith, but I see things happen like the loss of Bryson, and all the other children and families suffering so much loss that I just can’t get to a point where I feel you are really there. (more…)
You turn a year old today, time has went by so quickly that I can barely keep up. I love you more than anything in this world, and I know you feel the same about me. You filled a hole in my heart that I never thought could be filled. Your smile, your tiny green eyes, even the way you pout your lips, all of those things can make my day turn around. When I got pregnant with you I couldn’t believe it, I was going to be a mommy. I was going to have a chance to help mold someone into something wonderful.
My main wish for you isn’t for you to be rich, or a mother, or to graduate from college, while I want all of those things and more, the main wish for you is happiness in whatever you do. I don’t care if you decide to be a cashier all your life, if you are happy in life, that is all I will ask. It wasn’t until you that I became happy in live. I kept thinking that I needed more, more money, more friends, more success, all I needed was happiness, those other things are just static. You brought me happiness.
Thank you my little baby Gracie, thank you for helping me to discover just how strong I can be. Thank you for showing me that no matter what we see on the news, there is hope for the future because you are in it. Thank you so much for your innocence and your unconditional love and trust. I will love you forever, nothing you ever do will change that fact. ~Mommy
