Last night, I learned why I shouldn’t mix energy drinks and alcohol. Not only does it taste nasty, but it gets you drunk way faster then a bottle of Sake could.
I was drinking with my 2 friends, and at 1 point, I went into the other room so that I could let them talk. I heard the woman start to cry, and I got sad myself; apparently, I follow the emotions of others when I drink. But then I heard the man, her boyfriend, start to comfort her, and I started to feel worse. They had each other, and I was just sitting there, crying, by myself.
The woman calmed down and walked over to where I was, and seeing that I was crying, asked what’s wrong. When the man walked in, he also asked what was wrong.
Don’t know why, but you came to mind, Jaimie.
I remembered back to the ice skating trip where you went up to me and told me that you were going to ask Kris out. Back then, I was proud of you. I told you to go for it. But last night, I told the couple “he treated me like just a friend, even asking me if he should go for another girl.” I didn’t know why I was so upset about it.
I thought about it a little more when I sobered up, and even more when I woke up this morning, free of hangover (love the Irish in me). Yes, you are a friend of mine, but I think that friendship might be deeper in my heart, and it didn’t get a chance to come out until I decided to be an idiot and mix that energy drink with alcohol.
So, maybe this is a love letter, maybe this is a fumbling of a letter about a crush I might or might not have on you. I’m probably gonna end up going back to school, completely normal around you and the rest of the group. I don’t know if I’ll get the butterflies, though. I have to wait until I get back to school to find out. If I do get the butterflies, though, maybe you’ll be my Luigi, and I can be your Daisy.
I guess I’ll see you in school.
You have no idea how many times I wish that I had never met you or that we had broken up before we got married. I truly believe that if your Mom hadn’t died the day we had that huge fight, we would have broken up. You are a bully and you either don’t realize it or care. When you eat, I am reminded of the scene in “War of the Roses” where she talks about him eating. How hard is it to wipe up the pee of the rim, put the seat down and wash your hands with warm water and soap? Last week you called me a “fucking bitch” in front of the kids. I can’t wait until decide that’s an okay thing to say to me: why wouldn’t it be if you can say it. I fantasize that you will have a heart attack or get into a car accident. I feel guilty when I do, but only because the kids would be upset.
Brian,
I’m writing this with the intention that you wont see it…ever. I love you more than words can even express. my heart literally aches when i think of not being with you. I thought we were doing good. of course we have our problems, every relationship does. but you just dont seem to be honest with me. You made me believe that you were happy with me. That you were content with me working on my ways of doing things. but then, suddenly my world crashed around me.
I realized you were texting the same number more than mine. And when i looked at your phone, it was an unsaved number with a ;-* signature. one of the messages asking when you two were gonna hang out…and you didn’t say no. you just said you weren’t sure because you are extremely busy. When i asked you about the number from the bill, you said it was albert from high school. of course i didn’t believe it since i had seen the messages. Taking Krystal’s advice, i *67′d the number. The voice mail was a chick named crystal…
What hurt the most was when i confronted you about it and asked you to promise not to lie to me..you did. You lied to me the entire time. I dont know how i’m going to be able to trust you completely anymore. I can say that I do believe you when you say that you told her it wouldn’t go past friendship…but at the same time i dont. you say that you dont know much about her but you have been talking to her for a month more than you talk to me…how is that possible? what do u talk about? I haven’t seen any picture messages sent between you two so i am extremely relieved about that.
I just dont understand. What did i do wrong? Did i love you too much? I’ll try to give you space and let you do your own thing. I hope that when you say you are going to delete your myspace and not talk to her again, you mean it. I can’t believe it until it happens tho. You have to understand that I am going to me a lot more paranoid now. I’m going to check the numbers your messaging and im going to be upset if i see more than a few more messages to her. It shouldn’t take much to tell someone that doesn’t mean much to you that you’re not going to talk to them anymore because you value your relationship with me.
I hope you see how much i’m sacrificing for you and going through for you. Especially when you say that if it were flipped and it was me doing the messaging to a guy behind your back and lying about it, you would have broken up with me immediately. I love you and I want things to work out. I dont want to hold you back from being young and partying and enjoying life. If you want to hit and quit it again with other girls, ok. I just can’t stick around for it. I Love You. I hope you love me just as much.
Love Always,
Leah Love Bucket
Crystal,
I realize you didn’t know beforehand that he had a girlfriend because you probably were doing the same thing i was when you found his profile. He says he is going to delete his myspace and stop talking to you. I’m not sure how to feel about this.
I wont believe that he is going to delete the profile and stop talking to you until it happens. The problem i’m having is that I feel like its not fair for me to tell him to stop talking to you because, if what he says is true, he told you he had a gf and things wouldn’t go past friendship, and he talks to you about life. I think he needs to talk to someone other than me and his family. I feel like i should be ok with him talking to you if it makes him feel better about things. But the whole situation just bothers me too much.
The fact that he hid it from me for a month bothers me. the fact that he lied about it multiple times bothers me. This just tells me that he didn’t want me to know because he knew it would hurt me if i ever read what was said between you two. Thats where i come from when i say that I dont like it. I dont want to happen anymore. I want him to talk to me and focus on me as much as he has done with you this last month.
If things continue, Im going to leave. I dont know how you feel about having that on your conscience, but if it were me in your shoes, i would feel like complete shit. I would feel like im a home wrecker who got involved with a wonderful man who had a girlfriend who loved him too much and did everything she possibly could to make him happy. That being said, it’s not your fault either. I dont know you, I know him. And it is his fault if he loses me. Hes the one that chose to pick you, someone he has never met, over the woman that he has said he wants to marry one day and have children with. The one that sacrificed everything she had when he was going to be homeless to make sure he wasn’t, when we had only been together 4 months.
I only say that im going to leave because he HAS said that he isn’t going to talk to you anymore. because he knows how i feel. I want him to be open with me about his feeling. and to be honest, the things that i have seen him talk to you about, he has talked to me about too.
Please stop. for the sake of both my heart and his. If you have any sort of feelings for him at all…you’ll stop. He would be devastated if i left. I know this because he cries when i talk about it. You have never had that sweet pleasure of seeing someone as strong as him break down over you. That shows me he loves me. You’re just a small temptation getting in the way of our happiness. It would be best for you to just stop and put your efforts toward someone available.
You don’t have any respect for anyone. I helped raised you and have given you unconditional love. I have defended you, consulted you,worried about you, comforted you, protected you and helped you in many ways. I have opened up my home to you for a place to stay. Yet, you choose to be ignorant,selfish and ungrateful. I love you. I have loved you since you were born. I know our family isn’t great and let’s face it we are never going to be normal but I try so hard as an adult now to be a good example for you, a mother figure to you and someone who always has your back and is on your side. That is why it hurts so much when you are disrespectful and hurtful to me.
I called you to see how things in your life were going and instead of you appreciating that and asking me how I am doing you bite my head off. I know things aren’t easy. Growing up never is. I want to impart the wisdom I have from being in very similar shoes to you so things will be easier on you but your arrogance and false pride are making it very hard for me to want to even try.
I know you are young and in being so you want to call the shots and be your own person. You must learn that there are many things you haven’t encountered yet and if I have. I wish you would have the wisdom to let me tell you all the bad things that I have been through and learn from my experience.
I have been here for you through all the family problems and your health issues. When mom decided to stick her head in the sand I was the one talking to doctors and missing sleep and work to be there for you. How do you re-pay me? By acting like an ungrateful brat. I have worked so hard in my life to get to where I am and you don’t respect me for that. That hurts. You don’t even have a concept of what I have been through and I hope you never fully do. I am always here giving encouragement and kind words and now I am wondering why I even try.
If you continue to have a “chip on your shoulder” and act disrespectfully I have no choice but to leave you alone until you are mature enough to treat me with respect and consideration. I still love you and always will but I will not be treated the way you treat our mother and father taken for granted and mocked. I wish you the best in life but I am sad to say I think you may need to learn the hard way. I think you may need to struggle and realize that the world doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of us so we need our family. People that care about you with pure intentions are NOT a dime a dozen. I think the school of hard knocks still needs to teach you a thing or two because for now I am done trying. Be well. I love you.
It took a long time for me to realize what you did was rape. We were dating at the time and since we had sex before I thought it somehow okay. That night I didn’t want to have sex. You pushed me down and ripped my jeans and I kept saying no until I realized you were going to do what you wanted anyway. You were so much stronger that me. I just laid there as you held me down. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I acted like nothing happened. I wasn’t a virgin and I wasn’t innocent. I must have felt that I somehow deserved it. I even accepted your proposal to me after that. It was just a sick game to you.
You knew what you were doing. You loved the mind fuck you did to me. You enjoyed it. I just locked that night away and pretended it never happened. Even now I am so cold and lifeless about it. I can’t seem to bring up the pain and violence of that act. I am numb. I talked about it with a friend and roommate and they both said that you raped me. I have been lying to myself all this time and it’s been so long I don’t even feel anything anymore. I am afraid to feel because all the feelings will swallow me up in a sea of nothingness.
Now when someone gets in my face or wrestles with me jokingly I get panic attacks and freak out. Thanks to you (and my father) for all that. I was never like that before. I have a wonderful man in my life now and he has to deal with the emotional after-effects of what you did.
I stopped taking your calls and texts. I needed to get away from you. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to confront you about it yet I am sure you would deny it ever happened. I am only starting to realize how much I let men like you have done to me and how damaged I am to let you do it and not even say anything. Maybe it’s because my father abused me. Maybe I got used to men hurting me and just accepted it. What matters now is that we both know what you did and how you violated me. You will pay. God watches everything we do and you will pay. I don’t even know where you are now but if you were right here I would spit in your face. I bet you would just laugh and say your favorite phrase “game over”. You sick fuck.
