To B. My Brother

I hate you. If there was a word for something deeper than hate I would feel that.

You hurt me every day. Hitting. Torture. Mind games. And finally sexual abuse. Mom and dad don’t believe me. In fact they say I’m crazy. They say you were to young at the time. Mom said that she knows what a raped person acts like and I wasn’t it. Mom and dad were both in criminal justice. Sad. Pathetic.

Then you murdered a two year old on my birthday. A day that I am never to forget. You married that whore two weeks after you met her. She had my name. You are sick, sick f**k. You abused her daughters. Alexis will never know her sister. She is in foster care. Her mother went to jail for child endangerment. I was left up here in NY with you in TX and our family a mess. I SUPPORTED OUR f**kING FAMILY WHILE DAD TRIED TO GET YOU OUT OF JAIL. Dad working was a joke. I did all the work. Mom just stared off into the distance crying for her baby boy. They couldn’t see the children around them that needed them. The fist fights were fun. Holding my brothers while they cried was even better. They wanted me to take them away and be their mother like Wendy and the lost boys. Did you know mom hated me? Hated me taking away attention from you because I was my dad’s first child? Of course you did. You played that to your advantage. My own mother was jealous of me. She thought I was coming between her and her husband. My daddy loved me but he hates me now. I represent all of his failures. You made him feel bad to love me. When they knew you were doing drugs they did nothing because they didn’t want to cause a scene. Twice I had told them what you were doing. Do you remember the last time when the argument got so bad you ran through a closed window and walk 45 to college?

Did you know that I ate to make myself ugly? Did you know that I sat in an apartment filled with my own trash because I was too scared to go out? Did you know that my husband cried when he saw it (we were dating at the time). Did you know that a 70 year old man took advantage of me because he knew I was incapacitated from fear? Did you know that I screamed at God in my misery and that he answered me…sending me my husband? The only person that ever loved me for who I am…the different scattered bits all over the place and helped fill in the gaps. Did you know you made it so I couldn’t have children? Did you know that I have two daughters now? To beautiful little girls. God redeemed all that I lost..all that was taken away B.

When I was pregnant with my first daughter I was in my father’s truck he yelled and screamed at me about how much he was ashamed of me and what a loser I was. I want you to know that I panicked so much that I tried to leap out of the truck because my father said he didn’t care if my baby died. My baby was born premature at 33 weeks because of him. She was born PERFECT and the doctors had no idea how.

I know you escaped from jail. You were caught. I know your release date. I promise you this. If I ever see you again I will put a bullet between your eyes…and while you are dying I will smile with satisfaction knowing you are going to Hell.

Through all the pain and anguish you caused I want to tell you this:

Although it was to me you did the most egregious things..I am the only one who survived. You will never break me or watch me fall.

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