to the woman who cares

Dear Anonymous,

I didn’t know others like me existed. You see, I love my man who doesn’t care. Who invites me out to lunch, waits for me in the parking lot and looks at me longingly. He, who after the work day is over, goes home to his wife and kids. I, too, want to be the one who sleeps in his bed and kisses goodnight. But I am not! And everyday I tell myself that I will stop talking to him. Stop finding excuses to see him. Find ways to hate him and wish this never began. Because he is my cancer too. The one who’s made me question my 8 year marriage. Who’s got me wishing I’d get a divorce just to have a chance. But no such thing will happen. He will not leave his wife, he will not give me what I want. I will not leave my husband. I will not stop wanting him. He is my personal demon sent to torture my existence.

So I know what it feels like. For almost two years I have lived with this feeling. The only difference is that we are just “friends”. Never touched, never kissed. Just subtle jokes about wanting each other and curious looks. In denial. In hell.

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