Words I probably will never get to say

Dear Josh,

Summer of 2011, I met you. You always sat at the leftmost corner of the 4th row of chairs in our class. Then, I did not know your name nor which school you go too, but i felt like I was somewhat drawn to you. Then I got to know you. I fell for your smile, your voice, your intellect, the way you laugh, the way you seem to carry yourself in a room, the way you would look at me and how I feel like we are secretly sending messages to each other, the way we had a lot of things in common and even the way we’re all shy with each other as we wait for our ride home in front of that coffee shop. For that single month and a half,I felt whole again, I felt unbelievably happy.

But then classes were over, I thought I lost you by the start of school but i didn’t. We actually grew closer. I liked that. We constantly replied to each other’s posts, exchanging thoughts and reactions on the most random of topics. I found myself hooked on this short conversations that I was actually felt like I was only doing it for you. Staying up late at night only to be there when you were online. On the bright side, my friends think i was becoming more open and sociable. But the thing is, it’s slowly becoming an addiction–YOU are an addiction.

These past couple of days, I realized that, I can’t always be waiting for you, waiting for you to do something when most of the time, i just sit idly by and post things that i think would spark something up.

I can’t continue being like this,Josh. I can’t keep on building my life around someone who does not even love me back. I need to fix myself, i know that. And for that I needed time. Time to heal and reconstruct myself until i have finally found out who i really am and have come to trust that i won’t change just because of someone. Because right now, I don’t know if i trust myself to be okay if this thing between us ends. I don’t want to hurt anymore josh. I don’t want to feel alone and uncared for. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough for anybody. And most of all, I don’t want to feel hooked on someone who don’t even have no idea how i feel.

I’m just tired of this whole thing. I need space.
When I’m finally okay, I’ll know.
But till then, i have to let you go.

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